when an untreated pain returns

i think i might be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder..aka..PTSD...

so what is that ya?
as the name implies, it means that you are suffering with panic attack (palpitation, sweating, chest pain, hyperventilating, headache etc) that occurs following a very traumatic event in your life such as an accident or disasters...
so apart from the panic attack, you will also be suffering from re-experiencing which is you can see vividly the traumatic event being played in front of your eyes, avoidance of things, people or place that may remind you of the traumatic event, hyperarousal which means that you are hyper alert and irritable when people ask you about the event...social withdrawal..etc...there might be many more that i didn't remember to put in...but basically that's what it is...

it might be a normal process but if it is prolonged (more than 2 months) it is considered a disorder..so better get help fast ok?

what happens to me is not much maybe as compared to other people's experiences...
i had a bad memory of really bad thing...
what will you feel if someone whom you really trust tell bad things about you to others?
it was fine once...until when many times it happens (done by different people: apparently i trusts people easily..), i got really frustrated...
the finale came when i did really2 bad thing which is against my culture and religion and that person whom i trust reveals it to the only handful of persons i befriended with...
laws step in...
friends step out....
it is killing me....back then and even now..
the people involved in this shit reminds me of all the traumatic events...the place...the words that may not refer to me but reminds me of things...
i am in no place to avoid any of it so i endure it with pain...
i hate everything, but i know all that i am projecting is just a defense mechanism..
to make life somewhat easier for me..
because there will be no more hearts to entertain except mine....
i don't care how bullshit this might be...
its painful to be unable to forget all the killing memory and pain...

i was a happy person, but now i don't tell people things anymore...and i don't really talk as much as i used to...i get irritated easily, even to my mom...i don't have much friends as compared to before...i went to places, but i am always alone...
i am a different person, retaining only less than half of my original personality...

nothing gets me better..
worst still, i am living with the worst reminder of the black, fateful days...
much that the reminder tried to satisfy my needs, it can never be satisfied..

i am sorry...
i am sorry that i never stopped hating you...
i am sorry that i always gets irritated with you
i am sorry that i don't care about you much as you did to me..
i am sorry for always finding faults in you..
i am sorry for wanting you to suffer as much as i did...
i am sorry for not feeling remorseful with all this...
because you made me like this....


~when an untreated pain returns~