Baby talk 2

Tired..the only word that can only sum up about half of the things that i am feeling right now... apparently the baby has turn from a quiet to a fussy baby..i hope it will only last for awhile..anyway, as they say, this also  will pass...but then again, despite all muscleache and headache, its a joyous feeling being the one who is able to comfort the baby...well, my mum helps as well..hehe..i won't live a day if not for her...
I have nothing much to jot down, just want to dedicate a song for my son, who i guess is the most rightful person to receive it..

terukir dibintang by yuna

Jika engkau minta intan permata
Tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku capai bintang
Dari langit untukmu

Jika engkau minta satu dunia
Akan aku coba
Ku hanya mampu jadi milikmu
Pastikan kau bahagia

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nanti
Kan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa dihatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nanti
Kan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa dihatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa dihatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Love talk

Right now, im in special care nursery...my baby got admitted for neonatal jaundice and is currently undergoing a phototherapy...d day after tomorrow im supposed to fly back to KL and i am really hoping that my darling baby will recover by then...

Yeah, i have already delivered...a 2.3kg baby boy born at 35 weeks period of gestation after 13 days rupture of membrane...he is a perfect little boy who came out real fast, about 3 hours after i entered active phase of labor...he did not give me any problem when he made his entrance to the world, except leaving me with a little perineal tear, painful though it was, because he was literally sliding his way through the birth canal....

It was a hazy experience, short and sweet that i couldn't reallly grasp the reality when my prince was handed to me for the first time....it took me a few hours to understand that i have become a mama, 5 weeks earlier than expected, alone in another state which is not how i planned and unable to bring my little bundle of joy straightaway back home which is also not what i planned....i was frightened to be honest, but for this baby and for all the things i am about to face in the future, i held my breath and keep a bold heart....this simple things right now are not going to put me down....

And what a beautiful yet scary experience taking care of this baby for this past 8 days...here i am, a new mama with minimal experience handling babies, alone and in pain, having to take care of this sweet prince..and he was so quiet! Only woke up for some milk and then went straightaway to deep slumber...sometimes he was not even aware that he is hungry....i guess thats what happens when babies got jaundice...they are just sleepy....but otherwise he was feeding well, pooping as frequent as any newborns would be...because of his inactivities, a beautiful experience makes me thinks the worse and oh the nightmares it causes me was unbearable..i so wish that i am not a health personnel so that i can sleep comfortably at night...at that time, i understood what it meant to be ignorant and how blissful it could be...though it might be dangerous later on...

So today, we repeated his blood investigation and true enough, he needs treatment....i was devastated and cried all the way...it makes me think now, just a jaundice, a very common treatable problem in newborns especially a premature one could make me fall into pieces....how does other mothers face the horror of their child growing up? I am pretty sure there are lots of other horrifying things that happens along the way...how many tears have they cried? How much weight of hardship have they carried? How many heartaches have they endured? And despite all the negative things happening, they still found joy in the eyes of their children...such satisfaction must be very rewarding if their children grows up well, but what if they don't? People ask me, what does it feels to become a new mama...and it makes me think, really think deeply...despite all the hormonal changes now, the most significant feeling i am experiencing now is worry...there are so many things i am worried about. Though there are lots of parents out there who managed, i feel doubtful of myself...and because of that, i keep reminding myself to grasp this moment of life because it will never happen again and i will miss it if i keep worrying about things that i cannot change now...

For my beloved darling, rest assured, mama will never leave you....i will be there all through your life and i will do whatever it takes to be by your side even if it means i have to leave behind my ambitions...you are the apple of my eyes, the joy of my heart, the love of my life...i promise that i will love you unconditionally forever and do remember, whatever i did to you, be it pleasant or not, i have your best interest at heart...i pray that God will always love you and keeps you under his blessings, protecting you always...mama will be with you, in sickness and in health, until death do us apart.....

Baby talk

What i know about my now....
1. Its a boy...
2. He hates CTG machine...or any kind of probes that comes in contact with my tummy
3. He loves listening to sounds, music or Quranic...
4. He becomes listless as i am when i am hungry..
5. Loves to wake me up at 4.30am
6. Hates when i walk too much
7. Gets hungry every 2 hours....

Will update when i can of more...huu

Raya 2012

This is the raya where there are a lot of first times for me..let me shed some light for you....
1. First raya as a doctor
2. First raya as a mother
3. First raya as a patient in a hosp where i work...
4. Firat raya in a hospital....
5. First raya being bed bound
6. First raya not having to wear raya attire...
7. First raya wearing a hosp attire.....
8. First raya where i only fast for 5 days..i think..
9. First raya without family....
10. First raya away from peninsular malaysia....

Cant think of anything anymore....but wow, thats quite an achievement, right?
To those out there about to have a blast in raya....selamat hari raya!! Maaf zahir dan batin.. may allah bless us all so that we can meet another ramadan....

Bored

I am bored out of my mind already...
I dunno for how long more im going to be stucked in this hosp....
I wish i have a good hobby apart from reading books, then i will at least know what else to do when all the books have already been read...
Now i am stucked watching the ceiling and sleeping all day long that it makes my brain gooey...
I guess once i started working again i won't even have any head or tail in taking blood already...sighhh

Learning...

Learning to be strong...
Learning to be accepting...
Learning to love..
More importantly, learning to be a MUM...
That, i am.....
All i want is that my baby to be safe and protected by God almighty....

Warded....

Yesterday was a very scary ordeal for me.....i woke up from sleep thinking i had peed on my bed but when i reached hospital where i was thinking i am going to work as usual,a gush of fluid came down my legs and instantly i cried...
I was freaked out...i am alone in a world where theres no family members around and i am only at my 33 weeks of gestation....my baby is too young to come out now....all the complications i have seen when i was posted in O&G dept came flooding down my memories and i was beyond scared...
Worry is an underestimated word.....
I believe God's calculation is for the best...right now everything is going on smoothly and i pray that it keeps to be that way....
This experience reminds me that despite me trying my hard to help my patients, my priorities should not waver from what is really important which is my child, my son, my future.....
To all my dear family and friends, i beg for your prayers to keep my child safe from any harm....and with that i am very much grateful...may Allah bless you all...

Jangan dikesali
Atas apa yang terjadi
Mungkin rahmat sebaliknya
Membuahkan bahagia


~anuar zain~

a decision of lifetime

once upon a time i had to make a very difficult decision, a decision forced to be made with very little choice for me..
a decision that moves me to tears each time i thought about it, which is every seconds of my life, a decision that causes me to change from someone bubbly into a more serious person, a life changing and permanent decision..
a decision that will change me from being a single girl to a married lady...i eventually agreed to jump on marriage-ship board, with the knowledge that God knows what He's doing for me, with the knowledge that this will prevent me from further destruction of my life, with a belief that the person whom i hate actually loves me will all his heart and will always try to protect me from any sort of harm even if i can't do the same for him...
3 years on the ship, fighting all sorts of storm and hurricane, crazy waves and lightning, we survived and may i say i was very grateful for being brave enough to make up this decision, despite boarding the ship at a very young age..me 22 year old and him 23 year old, both a 3rd year student with a bright yet still faraway future and no financial support of our own...there was so many obstacles as we sail across the ocean, but i will never change it for any other thing in life...what is adventure, happiness, money and everything life can offer you if its not shared with someone who actually really cares for your well-being, who really appreciate everything that you cherish and holds you when things went wrong as you trudge along? friends are never same as a spouse...friends only share the laughter, never the tears...even if they did, it never last long..
therefore, i am very content with my life-altering decision...i may have cried a million tears to make this decision but the still on-going outcome is very fulfilling for me...i am happy~that's all that's matters..

now, i am faced with another choices of decision to make, where the choices are very little...how do you choose between your career and a life? its totally impossible which makes it looks like decision has already been made...
i cried each day...just like i did 3 years ago..
and i am now making a life-altering decision without much options..and pray hard to God that it is going to be worth the pain...

meroyan

belum beranak lagi tp dah meroyan macam ape je~
i'm freaking out because i feel like i have lost control of my own life..this baby simply took a lot out of me~
don't get me wrong, i love it but i am going crazy..
i feel like i have no strength to live for tomorrow..
i went to work only to feel like i am going to pass out that instance...
the only thing that i can think of now is to quit what i am doing and concentrate on trying to survive...

sempena becoming a mum kunun

Semasa engkau dilahirkan
kabul sudah satu impian
Impian nyata kurnia Ilahi

Engkau anak istimewa
Kebahagiaan ibu ayah
Bila menangis dan juga tertawa

Hai anak kau tak mengerti
Betapa mulia pengorbanan mereka
Memberikan kasih sayang
Agar dapat menikmati dunia

Masa silih berganti
Kau membesar tak disedari
Cepat sungguh kau pandai bicara

Apa yang telah terjadi
Pada mereka kau derhaka
Mengapa begitu apakah salahnya

Hai anak kau tak mengertiBetapa mulia pengorbanan mereka
Memberikan kasih sayang
Agar dapat menikmati dunia

Kini kau telah tersesat
Hilang diri dan pedoman
Tak seorang pun yang mengambil tahu

Dan kini engkau menangis
Ibu ayah menghampiri
Walau engkau telah terpesong jauh

Hai anak kau tak mengerti
Betapa mulia pengorbanan mereka
Memberikan kasih sayang
Agar dapat menikmati dunia

sickly

i am soo hungry
i ate the fridge out (not really)
and awhile later i am vomiting it out like nobody's business..
it is awfully painful and i am so tired of it....
~cry~

love?

it needs more than love to be able to stand beside someone and be the source of their strength
it needs a lot of responsibility and courage..patience and passion..self-motivation  and vision..
to be able to say that things are going to be just fine to the person you love when you, yourself is unable to be confident about it...to be reassuring when your own self assurance is wavering..to be a motivator when your own motivation is  dying...
its when you are part of their life, really part of their life, when you wake up each morning and the first face you see is his/hers, then you'll realize that living with that person is more than just love...
its simply unimaginable unless you have been through it...

dunnolah

i am dreading to wake up everyday now.....
i am simply not enjoying it at all...
and somehow i think i am too young to be living a sad, stressful life...
i wish i can speed up time so all this nightmare will be over..
i don't care what people say about me being lucky cez all i can feel is crap...
its bad enough watching other people cry, but its even worst when you yourself cry daily..
why am i such a coward?