pEnUnGgU pUaKa wAyAnG~

Friday, February 26, 2010

schizophrenia in the music~

have you ever thought that you are actually listening to a psychotic song?

has it ever occured to you that you can learn about schizophrenia by just listening the music?

according to DSM criteria to diagnose schizophrenia, you must have 2 or more of the following criteria for at least 1 month:

  1. delusions
  2. hallucinations
  3. disorganized speech
  4. grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior
  5. negative symptoms (blunted affect, poverty of speech, psychomotor retardation etc)
so here is MATCHBOX 20 with UNWELL to prove my point...hehehe

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall

Visual hallucinations.....he sees things others couldn’t see

All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Auditory hallucinations...he hears voices!

Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
I don't know why

Negative symptoms...looks like depression to me (sometimes people get confused between these 2)

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

In denial...crazy people never admits they are crazy right??

Different side of him is after he is being treated lar

Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train

Bizarre’d be freaked out to see people talking by themselves right?

I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me

Persecutory delusion...they are deluded into thinking that others are talking bad things about them...

Out of all the hours thinking
I've lost my mind

Lost your mind means you have no control of your own some other thing has taken away their thought...this is called thought alienation

I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

Persecutory delusion also...deluded into believing that others are trying to harm them eventhough there its nonsensical...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


have you ever felt like the night is too long to last?
and your eyes are so hyperactive that it won't close?
and you felt so stressed out because you couldn't sleep and this might affect your functioning the next day?
have you ever felt anxious when bedtime approached because you are afraid that you might not be able to sleep?
have you ever felt like you are waking up way too early then the usual and is unable to sleep again?
have you ever felt that your sleep is not refreshing as its supposed to be?
have you felt that your sleep is being disturbed?

have you noticed that your sleep pattern has already deviate from YOUR normal sleeping pattern without apparent causes (shift work, jet lag etc) and causes impairment in your daily functioning?

you might be suffering from INSOMNIA!

there are many things that can cause insomnia such as depression, psychiatric illness (mania), medical conditions such as cessation of breathing during sleep causing your sleep to be disrupted..and many more...those with causes can be treated by resolving the unresolved medical or psychiatric issues...but there are also insomnia caused by nothing, as in there are no apparent reasons...

if you are suffering with insomnia caused by nothingness, you might wanna try this...

its called SLEEP HYGIENE
this tips are used generally to promote healthy sleep...because healthy sleep contributes to healthy mind and don't take sleep issues lightly, ok?

so here:

  1. ascertain a regular sleep schedule and maintain it!
  2. limit caffeine intake especially at night...caffeine causes your body to be hyperactive so you can't sleep
  3. avoid daytime naps so your body is really tired at night and helps you to sleep
  4. exercise early only in day
  5. soak in hot tub prior to gives some relaxation to you
  6. avoid large meals near bedtime
  7. remove disturbances such as TV, books and phone from bedroom...bedroom is for sleep and sex only!
  8. drink warm milk before sleep. milk contains tryptophan which induces the production of hormones that will help you to sleep
  9. when you reach your bed, close your eyes and clear your mind immediately, try not to think about problems that may bother all this mind bothering things during the days ONLY!
  10. on the bed, practise the relaxation therapy that i have outlined in my previous posts...
  11. despite all this, if you still can't sleep, don't force yourself to sleep...get out of your bedroom and walk around the house without turning on the lights or only use dim light...try to do something really, really boring such as reading an encyclopedia (unless you really love that thing)...once you are sleepy again, go to bed!
try to do this and avoid meds...meds are not always good for you health in the long run....ok?


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

chicken soup with mushroom for dummies..

anyone interested in making this simple recipe?

all you need is:

  1. garlic
  2. ginger
  3. chicken
  4. mushroom
  5. potato kalo nak
  6. water
  7. salt
what to do?
oke sekarang aku da tataw nak speaking cane plak r...huhu

  1. tumis ginger dengan garlic pastu biar je dulu
  2. rebus ayam sampai lembut..taruk halia jugak pon boleh...bau die sedapp
  3. and then tuang air ayam dalam periuk yang ade halia dengan bawang putih yang dah ditumis tuh...
  4. tambah sikit air sampai banyak mane sup nak dibuat
  5. taruk kentang and rebus sampai kentang lembut
  6. taruk garam suke2 banyak mane korang nak
  7. pastu taruk r mushroom....
  8. biar mendidih dalam 5 minit
  9. ape lagi...makan r...

da masuk perot ah
lupe nak amek kot...

Monday, February 22, 2010

things i have made...

1. hand made knitted scarf!

2. chocolate brownies!!

3. hand knitted mittens!!! wee...

4. hand knitted manic colored bag....huhu

5. disastrous cupcakes that is so hideous to put on pictures but turns out to taste alright..hehehe

6. coming thru are 2 hand knitted maflas...or scarf the ones you put around your neck...huhu

quite an achievement for me to be able to do simple things like these because its kind of challenging for me as i have to learn to do it myself....
now i know that humans always learn to survive when they drill their minds to survive and not to quitor give up!
aint human made beautifully?
if we are not humans, we'll never be able to face all the stresses in life...we'll die...

like my mum said, never waste any of your time NOT being in a blissful state...


Sunday, February 21, 2010

sape yang salah sebenarnye ni??

cupcake tak jadik2 dari tadi!!!!!!

masuk je dalam oven tak sampai bape saat da terhangit kat atas tapi bawah tak jadik pape..

last2 sekarang punye batch i cover dengan aluminium foil...
mmg tak hangit terus
tapi tak masak jugak..

doakan ia menjadik!!!!!!!

Friday, February 19, 2010

crazy life in KL

this is based on my personal experience being posted in psychiatry department in HKL for about 7 weeks....

  • Never in my life i have ever thought that i might be praying any prayers before the allocated time...especially subuh (morning prayers)...amazing to think that since staying in KL for the past 1 month, i actually prayed before the azan...but he said its already time based on his observation of the sky (fajar sadiq) so we just prayed la...hehehe but apparently that only applies for the subuh prayer...

  • Then i went to the window to use the reflection there as my mirror during wearing my tudung..and to my amazement i saw school kids waiting for the school bus..and its not even 630am yet...God, i remembered during my schooldays, i only woke up at 630am and that was also after few crazy tantrums with my how kids grows up so early these days..or forced to do so...pity them

  • 630am i am already on the road to HKL and to my astonishment again, i saw already so many red lights lining in front of the car..its blinding me, thank goodness i am not color blind..i wonder how it feels to be one at this point of time...the traffic is already busy though not jammed yet...i was so crazy can KL people be and they had to survive this day in and day out...huhuhu...if i am in putrajaya or bangi or kajang area driving to serdang hospital at this point of time, i am absolutely sure that the roads will be as quiet as the cemeteries...

  • Reached resource centre usually by 640am...thank God jalan tun razak is still not as busy as in Cheras...which is surprising to me because all the way it was like a market full of car moving about in front of us, taking each other’s lanes in the hope to reach their destiny faster and suddenly the cars disappeared into nothingness leaving us one of the handful cars you can see crawling on the road at jalan tun cool is that?

  • Then the classes...nothing surprising there except meeting people that is just about as insane as i am...huhu...and then the going home travel planning...come on man, where is the pleasure of going home at your own leisure without worrying? Its all gone since i am staying in devastatingly saddening...hahahahaha...we have to rush the class so it will finish by 4pm so as to avoid the end of office hour...and again, surprisingly, despite all the rush, the traffic is never not busy...hurm~

  • isyak? its ok...i can sleep first..wake up for isyak at 530am..hahaha
Therefore, i solemnly swear not to apply for any kind of work in the middle of any kind of cities unless i am being forced with my own life to do so...huk9

Thursday, February 18, 2010

when an untreated pain returns

i think i might be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder..aka..PTSD...

so what is that ya?
as the name implies, it means that you are suffering with panic attack (palpitation, sweating, chest pain, hyperventilating, headache etc) that occurs following a very traumatic event in your life such as an accident or disasters...
so apart from the panic attack, you will also be suffering from re-experiencing which is you can see vividly the traumatic event being played in front of your eyes, avoidance of things, people or place that may remind you of the traumatic event, hyperarousal which means that you are hyper alert and irritable when people ask you about the withdrawal..etc...there might be many more that i didn't remember to put in...but basically that's what it is...

it might be a normal process but if it is prolonged (more than 2 months) it is considered a better get help fast ok?

what happens to me is not much maybe as compared to other people's experiences...
i had a bad memory of really bad thing...
what will you feel if someone whom you really trust tell bad things about you to others?
it was fine once...until when many times it happens (done by different people: apparently i trusts people easily..), i got really frustrated...
the finale came when i did really2 bad thing which is against my culture and religion and that person whom i trust reveals it to the only handful of persons i befriended with...
laws step in...
friends step out....
it is killing me....back then and even now..
the people involved in this shit reminds me of all the traumatic events...the place...the words that may not refer to me but reminds me of things...
i am in no place to avoid any of it so i endure it with pain...
i hate everything, but i know all that i am projecting is just a defense mechanism..
to make life somewhat easier for me..
because there will be no more hearts to entertain except mine....
i don't care how bullshit this might be...
its painful to be unable to forget all the killing memory and pain...

i was a happy person, but now i don't tell people things anymore...and i don't really talk as much as i used to...i get irritated easily, even to my mom...i don't have much friends as compared to before...i went to places, but i am always alone...
i am a different person, retaining only less than half of my original personality...

nothing gets me better..
worst still, i am living with the worst reminder of the black, fateful days...
much that the reminder tried to satisfy my needs, it can never be satisfied..

i am sorry...
i am sorry that i never stopped hating you...
i am sorry that i always gets irritated with you
i am sorry that i don't care about you much as you did to me..
i am sorry for always finding faults in you..
i am sorry for wanting you to suffer as much as i did...
i am sorry for not feeling remorseful with all this...
because you made me like this....

~when an untreated pain returns~

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

happy 1st anniversary

14 February 2010...its been a year...a bond once denied...a relationship full of hardship...there might be no love, but there is the need for each other....

to love is to lose
to lose is to learn
to learn is to cry
to cry is to hate
to hate is to forgive
to forgive is to relieve
to relieve is to get over
to get over is to begin again~

pray the best for us....and may there be many more to come!

Saturday, February 13, 2010


biar berlinangan air mata...
ku takkan hentikannya
biarkan ia menyembuh luka
hilanglah rasa duka...

tidakku termampu merentasi liku2
sungguh ku tak mampu menghadapi semua itu
sungguh ku tak upaya

jangan dibiarkan jerih perih kehidupan
bisa meleraikan iman
akan hancur semuanya
walaupun menitis air mata darah
tak bisa merubah segalanya
melainkan taubat nasuha
moga akan diterima

ya rabbi istajib du'a ana

namun ku percaya masih ada kesudahnnya
kerana allah itu maha kaya maha mendengar
rintihan hamba2nya
kerana sesiapa bertakwa kepadaNya
pasti akan ada jalan keluarnya
rezeki yang tidak disangka2
cukup Allah baginya
berkuasa segala2nya
terima seadanya....

~Hijjaz Rintihan~

p/s: mahu diri menjadi sebegini redha dengan ketentuan hidup yang kadang2 bukan pilihan kita....mahu diri menjadi terus tabah menghadapi liku2 kehidupan...mahu diri menjadi lebih mementingkan dunia yang lebih kekal...mahu hati ini menjadi segagahnya agar tak mudah aku kalah dengan dugaan yang datang tak henti....

bantal merah dan kamu

saat ini sedang asek bersin...tension~
kenapela bersin ni tanak hilang...
dahla tengah2 malam bute lak tuh...
nak saket ati pon takley....kufur nikmat namenye tuh~

sebenarnye sekarang aku realize, aku sedang berhadapan dengan sebuah memory yang sudah lame aku cube suppress dalam minda...kenangan yang terlalu manis, terlalu pahit sume berada dalam subconscious aku...

tapi dek beberape insiden, sume kenangan tuh muncul balik..
aku belum pulih...
mungkin takkan pulih...
trying to forget a beautiful memory is damn hard, but trying to suppress that resurfaced memory again is even harder....

hidup aku dalam dilemma....
jiwa yang aku cube kuatkan kerane satu kehilangan besar jadi goyah semule...
hati yang cube aku beri semangat mula hilang konkritnye...
mana kasihku...?

aku mahu mencari bantal merah itu...merate2 kedai aku mencari tapi baru tadi aku tersedar, my favourite red pillow belongs to my favourite i won't find it anywhere else then...there's no replacing both, the pillow and the person...
nevermind...i will find comfort in something else then...

dan hari ini hidup aku jadi bercelaru dengan segale kenangan.......
....................nama itu..?
....................wajah itu?
....................ketawe tu yang tetibe kedengaran di telinge saat aku sedang mendengar lecture?
....................taman wahyu?
....................esso sebelah taman wahyu?


Friday, February 12, 2010

petty whining and relaxation therapy~

petty2 whining...but if you pen it down, it'll make life a whole lot easier to breathe then just keeping it to yourself...

yerp and practise relaxation therapy...bende ni diajar oleh pensyarah saye yang seorang pakar psikiatri...

nak tau macam mane?
-ok matlamatnye ialah untuk belajar relax la kan...dan jugak menjadikkan kite orang yang lebih optimis dalam hidup..
-untuk memboleh kan kite buat bende neh, kite mesti dalam posisi paling selesa..kalo duduk, duduk tegak2, kaki jangan bersilang and tangan kat atas lutut...kalo baring, tangan kat sisi, tapak tangan mengadap siling, baring pon tegak2..kalo berdiri, berdiri tegak2, tapak tangan mengadap depan...optimalnye, kite berada didalam tempat yang senyap sunyi tapi kalo ade muzik slow pon ok jugak...kalo muslim, pasang bacaan Quran or nasyid ok jugak..kalo tidak, tak kesah dimane kite berade, asalkan kite selesa dan keadaan itu bole membuatkan kite bertenang...

fasa pertama, cube bayangkan bende yang kite sangat suke...
-and then pejam mate dan bayangkan tempat yang kite pernah pergi yang kite sangat2 suke...
-untuk fasa pertama ni, sile bernafas dengan biase sahaje..iaitu tak perlu kontrol lagi k...

selepas kite rase macam dah bersedia, kite boleh procede ke fasa kedua...
-sambil membayangkan tempat yang kite suke tuh dan masih pejam mate, kite tarik nafas sambil kire 1 sampai 4.....
-lepas tuh tahan nafas untuk 2 kiraan...kirenye tahan nafas pastuh bilang 1-2
-lepas tuh hembus nafas sambil kire 1 hingge 4...
-ulang teknik pernafasan diatas untuk 5 pusingan...ok?

lepas tuh bole kite pergi ke fasa ke 3
-buat teknik pernafasan macam diatas juge ye...
-mase kite tarik nafas tuh, kite sebut Allah dalam minda kite..kirenye takyah r sebut kuat2...kire jugak 1 hingge 4 k
-pastuh tahan nafas 2 saat
-bile hembus sebut salah satu dari 99 name Allah..pilih la yang mane2 korang rase sesuai mase tuh....
-ulang 5 pusingan jugak k...

basically tuh je...kite kene practise banyak2 kali untuk membolehkan kite dapat manfaat dari bende nih...first time aku buat pon, rase nak pitam gak...hahaha...salunye bende ini diajar untuk orang2 yang ade masalah suke panik atau cepat rase gelabah...tapi boleh jugak kite gune walaupun kite tade masalah sebab, tade sape kat dunia nih yang tak stress, kan? setidak2nye, boleh jugak membuatkan kite ingat kat Allah...and bende ni pon practical jugak sebab boleh di buat di mane2 sahaje...and then tak memerlukan kite keluarkan duit pon...dapat pahale lagi inshaallah...

that's all for today...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

being tough, am i?

(this is written 2 days ago but only posted today cez i am waiting for my mood disorder to stabilize..else i'll be posting this crying my eyes out like when i am typing it...ergh~ )
semalam mengamuk someone i shouldn't mengamuk la kan...
someone whom my life after death depends on...(in a way la)...
i yelled till the whole classed heard...arghh~!!!!

i really dunno how i am gonna control my emotion in that matter..
i know and i realize that i need to be able to at least not hurt that person...
if i couldn't respect that person then fine..but do i really need to hurt anyone at all?
the thing is, i have no idea why i shouldn't hurt that person....
when i am around that person, i feel so freaking a volcano about to burst...

being angry and hurting that person always felt like the right thing to do...

cez i think i dun care anymore...
then, what's gonna happen next?
til when should this thing carries on?

others are looking for be loved...
but i am looking for the reason to love...
i've found my true love, but its not here...will never be here~

all i am doing is living in the past, unable to move my life is already out of control from the beginning...
be brave?
i wish i have the reason to be brave...

i am alone...with this feelings of nothingness...

oh God...i am so me

psycho kah?

tak paham kenape...........

hari ni saye nak kongsi sesuatu yang saye pelajari kat dalam grand round semalam...
semalam kitorang dapat satu kes substance induce psychosis...maknenye pesakit nih suke amek dadah banyak sangat sampai die jadi tak berape nak sihat in the mind bile die tak amek dadah...dadah yang die amek termasukla heroin, cannabis, ice dan termasuk jugak alcohol...disebabkan banyak sangat amek, sampai satu tahap die dapat halusinasi (nampak atau dengar bende2 yang orang lain tak boleh dengar or nampak), delusion (percaye bende yang macam tak brape nak logik)..dalam kes ni die percaye yang abang tiri die muncul sebagai roh yang nak bunuh die and amek harte die....disebabkan masalah ni, die lari dari rumah keluarge tiri die pastuh tinggal kat umah asal ayah die yang dah tak ade...kirenye tinggal sorang2 la...lepas tuh die enroll kan diri die dalam klinik methadone..iaitu klinik di mane penagih2 dadah jenis heroin akan dibagi ubat ganti namenye methadone...methadone ni akan kurangkan simptom2 ketagihan jadik membolehkan penagih dadah ni berfungsi sebagai seorang ahli komuniti yang bergune dari jadik sampah masyarakat seperti penagih2 lain....kire bagusla pesakit yang sy cite ni kan...sebab die ade kesedaran...
jadik untuk menampung kehidupan die, die pon start keje volunteer kat sebuah church (die neh kristian indian) dimane semua makan minum dan pengangkutan ditanggung oleh church...cumenye die hanye perlu bayar bil2 la (tataw macam mane die buat)..
lepas dinasihatkan untuk teruskan klinik methadone dan berhenti terus amek heroin dan segale bagai dadah tuh serta diceritakan kebaikan berhenti dadah ni with regards to his condition, die pon kate ok la....well, not much pon bole buatkan, sebab kalo bukan diri sendirik org laen tak bole nak tolong ape sangat kan? we have to help ourselves la....and then die pon pergi...

pastuh doctor consultant/pakar tuh pon bring up the issue....rupe2nye, banyak church kat malaysia neh yang amek penagih2 dadah untuk diberi kerja sebagai salah satu care untuk mentarbiyah diorang ni dan diberi support supaye tak terbuang terus oleh masyarakat...pastuh doctor tuh pon kate, die pernah kenal seorang penagih ni yang die bagi kat seorang imam masjid untuk di tarbiyah dan pesakit tuh akhirnye berjaye keluar dari kancah dadah dan jadik bilal masjid tuh lagi..baguskan?

tapi sayangnye, lebih banyak church yang menawarkan program pentarbiyahan dan support ni berbanding dengan masjid...

pastuh teringat sorang prof saye bercerite, die pergi kat satu tempat kat chow kit yang banyak penagih dadah, pemabuk dan segale bagai manusia yang dah terjebak dengan macam2 bende ni...mase tu, die ajak orang masjid and sume macam nak cabut lari, tak berape nak volunteer berade kat tempat macam tuh...
ape masalahnya kat sini?
kite bercakap pasal nak kurangkan masalah2 sosial...ckp je ke?
kalo bukan kite yang nak reach out for these people, sape yang akan buat gitu?
kalo orang masjid or orang church or orang kuil ke ape duduk je kat tempat dorang beribadah tuh, tidakkah kesian kat orang2 kat luar sane yang tak berape nak sedar tentang pentingnye agame and for sure takkan penah jejak kaki kat tempat2 beribadah ntuk involve kat sebarang progam keagamaan?
sedangkan yang akalnye sihat ni pon malas nak pegi...hurm~
kadang2 sy rase beruntung sebab dapat jadik student doctor, sebab selain dapat membantu mengurangkan kesakitan orang lain, saye dapat jugak chance untuk menyentuh sedikit sebanyak kehidupan pelbagai lapisan masyarakat...bukan setakat orang2 kaye, tapi jugak org2 miskin dan org2 yang kurang insight tentang kehidupan dorang...

saye tak layak jadik pendakwah kot..tak ckup ilmu agama tapi inshaallah, kalo seseorang tuh da masuk universiti and graduate (inshaallah), setidak2nye die ade sedikit wisdom untuk dishare dengan orang2 sebegini...
kepade kengkawan sume, tak perlu kite cakap banyak pasal nak mengurangkan masalah2 sosial ni kalo kite sendirik tak dapat nak membuang stigma daripada minda kite terhadap mereka2 yang bermasalah sosial neh...
lets reach for everyone and semoge kite sume dapat bagi manfaat kat sume orang walau ape pon bidang hidup yang kite jalani...


jes a thought to share~

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

kak paa punye influence...muahahahha

oooohhh...i love may...bunyi macam sabunnn

keras hati dan degil
-betol3....huhuhu...sampai org takley nak tahan la ni

kuat semangat dan bermotivasi tinggi
-depending on the mood la kot...and ape yang nak dibuat or goal pada masa itu

pemikiran tajam
-tatawla..kalo tajam asal prof rashid suke jerit2?

mudah marah jika tidak dikawal
-oh yeah~degil campur pemarah...not very ideal eh?? i can yell in the middle of the street and not caring about other people pon...and i could smack my sister sampai berbekas tapak tangan kat kaki die...sadis kan? pastuh sedih~

pandai menarik hati orang lain dan menarik perhatian
-ntahle...tanyela sape2 yang penah tertarik ngan saye....

perasaan yang sangat mendalam
-yerp, muke je brutal, tapi dalam hati ade taman....hahahahah

cantik dari segi mental dan fizikal
-fizikal mungkinla kot (bapak perasannyeee) tapi mental ntahla jugak...

tidak perlu dimotivasikan
-apebile sy sudah sangat elated and manic mungkin tak perlu motivasi dari orang lain kot...hahaha

tetap pendirian tetapi mudah dipengaruhi oleh orang lain
-owh yeah...boleh r kate camtuh only if pengaruh org lain tuh cukup kuat untuk mengalahkan pendirian saye

mudah dipujuk
-TAK!!!!!!!!!!!!..aku sangat materialistik...(mudah r tuh kan?)

bersikap sistematik ( otak kiri )
-sikit2 r...hehehehehe...tapi boley tahan r

suka berangan
-owh SANGATTTT SUKE BERANGAN!!!!!!!!! that's my faverit past time

kuat daya firasat, memahami apa yang terlintas dihati orang lain
-boley tahan jugak r tapi salunye buat dunno je pemahaman itu...kekekekeke

mudah diserang penyakit di bahagian telinga dan leher dan lemah sistem pernafasan
-owh definitely sebab dari kecik pon camtuh

daya khayalannya tinggi
-aku kan suke berangan so, mestila daya khayalan tinggi...hehehe

pemikiran yang tajam
-depending on the topic being discussed

pandai berdebat
-ho yeahh...pemarah+degil+pandai and spicy combinationn

fizikal yang baik

suka sastera, seni, muzik dan melancong
-loves music and melancong....yerp..such a true statement!

tidak berapa suka duduk dirumah
-oh yeahh!! sgt tak suke duduk dalam umah...rase macam cacing kepanasannn

tidak boleh duduk diam
-so true!

tidak punya ramai anak
-tataw la..haihhh

rajin dan bersemangat tinggi
-boleh tahan r tuh..kekekeke

agak boros
-mungkin tak! huh

HIT2 me...