to make a person understand is tiring..
to make my own heart to accept that fact is even more tiring, its exhausting...
to want something given with fairness is impossible..
but to hope for it to be given is like preparing myself to be broken hearted..
i should have not cared about it at the first place..
this is so frustrating i feel like slapping that face til its gone..huh
sometimes, i feel like i have made the biggest mistake in my entire life...
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
perlu ke?
hari ni kitorang ade kelas dengan sorang consultant ni...
he's a very experienced paediatrician..and i have always loved listening to his story although sometimes it makes me sleepy because his stories seems to never end or it will bring to another story and the session itself will never end..
however, harini aku dengar kisah yang sangat2 menyayat hati...ade 2 cerita yang beliau cerita kat ktorang yang buat aku rase kecewa sangat dengan masyarakat Malaysia ni. mungkin taklah secara amnya, mungkin bende2 ni terjadik kepade segelintir manusia yang ignorant, yang tak pedulik atau bodoh sombong ke ape tak tahulah, dan mungkin jugak bende nih hanye menggambarkan minoriti kes je...aku berharap sangat2 aku takkan berdepan dengan masalah2 macam ni sebab kalo aku jumpelah, mesti aku depress pastuh...okay kesahnye:
1. ade satu pasangan suami isteri ni bawaklaa anak diorang umor 6 tahun kat hospital sebab tgk anak die tak bermaya, lemah, pucat tak lalu makan sume...so pensyarah aku ni jumpela budak tuh, admit dalam ward, buat ujian darah semua bla bla bla, maka dapatla tahu budak ni sebenarnye ade leukemia yang dari jenis boleh dirawat dan prognosis (outcome) adelah bagus sangat..so lecturer aku neh bersusah payahlaa menerangkan ape kebende leukemia tuh (len kali la aku cite or korang carik sndrik) dari A-Z, plan rawatan dan sebagainye lah...lepas dah puas bercerita tuh, tetibe bapak budak nih pon cakap, "doc, saye tahu doc neh orang berilmu dan berpengalaman, saya respek doc, tapi tak semestinye saye ikot cakap doc..doc bukan ahli nujum/Tuhan untuk menentukan ape yang akan jadik pade anak saye, dan saye ade alternatif lain untuk rawat anak saye ni...saye rase tak perlu untuk saye ikot cakap doc".make lecturer aku neh sebagai sorg doc yang professional tanyela pakcik ni, ape die nak buat ngan anak die, pakcik ni cakap die nak bawak g rawatan tradisional (homeopati dsb)..sorang doc hanye boleh bagi pilihan tapi keputusan ditangan pesakit/parent die..so pakcik neh pon tak mahula undergo treatment plan yang ditawarkan tuh....2 bulan lepas tuh, pesakit berumur 6 tahun ni pun meninggal disebabkan pendarahan yang teruk akibat dari leukemia dan tak dapat diselamatkan..masa dah bleeding teruk tuh, ayah budak ni bawak die pergi hospital dengan harapan doc dapat bantu, tapi sayang...~
2. ade pasangan suami isteri ni, bawak anak die masuk hospital sebab anak die demam kuning...memang sangat kuningla sebab anak die ni ade G6PD...ujian darah pun menunjukkan yang demam kuning anak diorang nih da mencapai tahap kritikal yang memerlukan darah anak ditukarkan dengan darah lain untuk buang toksin2 dalam darah asal anak tuh..name prosedur itu adelah exchange transfusion...kalo tak tukar, budak ni boleh dapat kecacatan mental dan fizikal yang kekal..so, sume orang dalam hospital tuh pun kaunseling laa parent budak tuh untuk benarkan prosedur tuh dilakukan bagi menyelamatkan nyawa budak tuh, tapi ikot cemane pun dorang terangkan dan betape pentingnye bende tuh dibuat, parent budak nih refuse jugak and cakap kat doc2 tuh yang doc sume tak tahu pun ape akan jadik in the future dan doc bukan tuhan pun...disebabkan itu, sume orang pun refer la parent ni kat lecturer aku neh nak bagi kaunseling terakhirlaa...so lecturer aku ni pun tanyela parent ni, kenape tak mahu buat exchange transfusion tuh...bapak budak ni pun cakapla, sebenarnye die tuh keturunan Tok Kenali so die tak mahu darah orang lain mencemar darah Tok Kenali yang die ade tuh...mashaALLAH..terkejut aku dengar, ade jugak seorang parent yang sanggup anak die tanggung risiko mati atau cacat semata2 die taknak darah Tok tuh tercemar..kesian budak tuh..lalu lecturer aku suruhlaa bapak budak nih panggil sume sedara mara die yang ade keturunan Tok Kenali nih untuk derma darah dan bagi kat budak tuh supaya boleh buat exchange transfusion...nasib baik bapak budak tuh nak~haih
so pengajarannye disini...aku bukanlah nak berbangge, tapi 5 tahun aku belajar dan dalam kes lecturer aku neh tatawlaa berapa zaman die belajar, doctor dah diberi ilmu untuk tahu perjalanan hidup sesuatu penyakit, kesan penyakit2 tuh ke atas manusia dalam jangke masa panjang...kami tahu, walaupun kami tak boleh jamin yang sume orang akan dapat bende yang sama macam dalam buku sebab kami faham ape yang berlaku...buku hanya teori, tapi teorinye dah dikaji kebenarannye..kami tak cube nak jadik Tuhan, tapi disebabkan kami tahu risiko2 yang mungkin terjadik kalo penyakit dibiarkan je, make kami cube untuk elakkan bende tuh terjadik dengan buat sesuatu yang dah dibuktikan secara saintifik boleh membantu pesakit2..bukan hentam keromo je....misalnye, orang2 yang ade darah tinggi boleh kene sakit jantung kalau darah tinggi tak dikawal..kami tahu ape darah tinggi tu buat kat jantung, jadik kami nak orang2 yang ade darah tinggi jage tekanan darah supaya tak kene sakit jantung, tapi, tak semua orang yang ade darah tinggi kene sakit jantung sampai mati walaupun die taknak makan ubat..kami tak boleh teka sape yang akan dapat sakit jantung dan sape yang tak dapat, tapi risikonye untuk sume orang tu ade..takkan kami, golongan yang tahu risiko tuh dan belajar untuk elakkan orang dari sakit nak biarkan aje? modern medicine atau tradisional/alternatif medicine dua2 adelah usaha manusia..jangan nafikan kedua2nya sampai penyakit melarat pastu mengorbankan diri sndrik...jgn terlalu percaya kat bende2 yang tak terbukti lagi, tak kesahla moden ke tak ke..dan yang penting, jangan percaye bende karut2...dan kalau mengikut heirarki bukti, bukti yang paling rendah, paling lemah dan paling tak kukuh dan takley percaya adelah bukti yang berdasarkan testimoni sahaje..
yang kedua, apabile due manusia berkahwin, anak yang lahir tuh dicipta dari DNA mak dan ayah die...darah die, organ die, usus, otak, perut, rupe, rambut dan sebagainye tercipta dari DNA mak dan ayah die..DNA adelah keturunan..dan DNA orang tak boleh diubah..darah tuh kalo dikongsi dengan darah orang lain, takkan berubah punyerlah DNA die..darah kite pun bukan bertahan lama..120 hari je lepas tuh musnahlah die, lepas tuh sum-sum tulang akan hasilkan darah yang baru untuk ganti berdasarkan DNA orang tuh..sebab tuh darah ade macam2 jenis..jadik, kalo saye jadik drakula and sedut darah awk sampai abis, lepas tuh awak amek darah orang lain sebab nak ganti darah yg saye da sedut tuh, takdenye tetibe DNA awak bertukar..kalo DNA bertukar, make bertukarlaah segale rupe, rambut, hidung, tinggi, gigi dan telinge awak..so kalo die adelah keturunan Tok Kenali, sampai bebile laa die keturunan Tok Kenali..kitaran hidup darah hanye 120 hari dan darah dihasilkan oleh sumsum tulang berdasarkan DNA...
point aku bukanlaah pasal darah ni, tapi pasal kadang2 sikap manusia ni yang terlalu obses dengan bende macam ni sampai orang hilang pertimbangan tentang ape yang sebenarnye harus die buat..Raihan pernah cakap, iman tak dapat diwarisi dari seorang ayah yang bertakwa...tapi nyawa kite adelah tanggungjawab kite untuk pelihara, dan dalam kes ni, adelah tanggungjawab mak ayah die...memanglah ajal ditangan Tuhan, tapi kalo macam tuh, bolehla kite baring2 kat tengah2 jalan biar kereta langgar and then tgklah mati ke tak...bolehlah kite semua memudaratkan diri sendiri sebab kalo kite jage baik2 pun kite mati jugak bile kite kene mati..boleh ke macam tuh? tak boleh kan? (ni boleh masuk topik maqasid syariah pulak dah ni)
ni sume adelah pengajaran...bagi aku supaya bersedia dan belajar untuk berfikir secara lateral dan diluar kotak supaya walau macamane sekali pon perangai orang aku boleh handle dengan baik, boleh didik mereka untuk kebaikan mereke sndrik...supaya tindakan aku memberi manfaat kat org lain wlupon susah..
dan pengajaran untuk orang2 yang berakal supaya fikir2kan dan renung2kan ape saje moral of the story yg korang boleh simpulkan~
he's a very experienced paediatrician..and i have always loved listening to his story although sometimes it makes me sleepy because his stories seems to never end or it will bring to another story and the session itself will never end..
however, harini aku dengar kisah yang sangat2 menyayat hati...ade 2 cerita yang beliau cerita kat ktorang yang buat aku rase kecewa sangat dengan masyarakat Malaysia ni. mungkin taklah secara amnya, mungkin bende2 ni terjadik kepade segelintir manusia yang ignorant, yang tak pedulik atau bodoh sombong ke ape tak tahulah, dan mungkin jugak bende nih hanye menggambarkan minoriti kes je...aku berharap sangat2 aku takkan berdepan dengan masalah2 macam ni sebab kalo aku jumpelah, mesti aku depress pastuh...okay kesahnye:
1. ade satu pasangan suami isteri ni bawaklaa anak diorang umor 6 tahun kat hospital sebab tgk anak die tak bermaya, lemah, pucat tak lalu makan sume...so pensyarah aku ni jumpela budak tuh, admit dalam ward, buat ujian darah semua bla bla bla, maka dapatla tahu budak ni sebenarnye ade leukemia yang dari jenis boleh dirawat dan prognosis (outcome) adelah bagus sangat..so lecturer aku neh bersusah payahlaa menerangkan ape kebende leukemia tuh (len kali la aku cite or korang carik sndrik) dari A-Z, plan rawatan dan sebagainye lah...lepas dah puas bercerita tuh, tetibe bapak budak nih pon cakap, "doc, saye tahu doc neh orang berilmu dan berpengalaman, saya respek doc, tapi tak semestinye saye ikot cakap doc..doc bukan ahli nujum/Tuhan untuk menentukan ape yang akan jadik pade anak saye, dan saye ade alternatif lain untuk rawat anak saye ni...saye rase tak perlu untuk saye ikot cakap doc".make lecturer aku neh sebagai sorg doc yang professional tanyela pakcik ni, ape die nak buat ngan anak die, pakcik ni cakap die nak bawak g rawatan tradisional (homeopati dsb)..sorang doc hanye boleh bagi pilihan tapi keputusan ditangan pesakit/parent die..so pakcik neh pon tak mahula undergo treatment plan yang ditawarkan tuh....2 bulan lepas tuh, pesakit berumur 6 tahun ni pun meninggal disebabkan pendarahan yang teruk akibat dari leukemia dan tak dapat diselamatkan..masa dah bleeding teruk tuh, ayah budak ni bawak die pergi hospital dengan harapan doc dapat bantu, tapi sayang...~
2. ade pasangan suami isteri ni, bawak anak die masuk hospital sebab anak die demam kuning...memang sangat kuningla sebab anak die ni ade G6PD...ujian darah pun menunjukkan yang demam kuning anak diorang nih da mencapai tahap kritikal yang memerlukan darah anak ditukarkan dengan darah lain untuk buang toksin2 dalam darah asal anak tuh..name prosedur itu adelah exchange transfusion...kalo tak tukar, budak ni boleh dapat kecacatan mental dan fizikal yang kekal..so, sume orang dalam hospital tuh pun kaunseling laa parent budak tuh untuk benarkan prosedur tuh dilakukan bagi menyelamatkan nyawa budak tuh, tapi ikot cemane pun dorang terangkan dan betape pentingnye bende tuh dibuat, parent budak nih refuse jugak and cakap kat doc2 tuh yang doc sume tak tahu pun ape akan jadik in the future dan doc bukan tuhan pun...disebabkan itu, sume orang pun refer la parent ni kat lecturer aku neh nak bagi kaunseling terakhirlaa...so lecturer aku ni pun tanyela parent ni, kenape tak mahu buat exchange transfusion tuh...bapak budak ni pun cakapla, sebenarnye die tuh keturunan Tok Kenali so die tak mahu darah orang lain mencemar darah Tok Kenali yang die ade tuh...mashaALLAH..terkejut aku dengar, ade jugak seorang parent yang sanggup anak die tanggung risiko mati atau cacat semata2 die taknak darah Tok tuh tercemar..kesian budak tuh..lalu lecturer aku suruhlaa bapak budak nih panggil sume sedara mara die yang ade keturunan Tok Kenali nih untuk derma darah dan bagi kat budak tuh supaya boleh buat exchange transfusion...nasib baik bapak budak tuh nak~haih
so pengajarannye disini...aku bukanlah nak berbangge, tapi 5 tahun aku belajar dan dalam kes lecturer aku neh tatawlaa berapa zaman die belajar, doctor dah diberi ilmu untuk tahu perjalanan hidup sesuatu penyakit, kesan penyakit2 tuh ke atas manusia dalam jangke masa panjang...kami tahu, walaupun kami tak boleh jamin yang sume orang akan dapat bende yang sama macam dalam buku sebab kami faham ape yang berlaku...buku hanya teori, tapi teorinye dah dikaji kebenarannye..kami tak cube nak jadik Tuhan, tapi disebabkan kami tahu risiko2 yang mungkin terjadik kalo penyakit dibiarkan je, make kami cube untuk elakkan bende tuh terjadik dengan buat sesuatu yang dah dibuktikan secara saintifik boleh membantu pesakit2..bukan hentam keromo je....misalnye, orang2 yang ade darah tinggi boleh kene sakit jantung kalau darah tinggi tak dikawal..kami tahu ape darah tinggi tu buat kat jantung, jadik kami nak orang2 yang ade darah tinggi jage tekanan darah supaya tak kene sakit jantung, tapi, tak semua orang yang ade darah tinggi kene sakit jantung sampai mati walaupun die taknak makan ubat..kami tak boleh teka sape yang akan dapat sakit jantung dan sape yang tak dapat, tapi risikonye untuk sume orang tu ade..takkan kami, golongan yang tahu risiko tuh dan belajar untuk elakkan orang dari sakit nak biarkan aje? modern medicine atau tradisional/alternatif medicine dua2 adelah usaha manusia..jangan nafikan kedua2nya sampai penyakit melarat pastu mengorbankan diri sndrik...jgn terlalu percaya kat bende2 yang tak terbukti lagi, tak kesahla moden ke tak ke..dan yang penting, jangan percaye bende karut2...dan kalau mengikut heirarki bukti, bukti yang paling rendah, paling lemah dan paling tak kukuh dan takley percaya adelah bukti yang berdasarkan testimoni sahaje..
| personal communication tuh termasukla expert opinion yang tak terbukti lagi, sesape punye opinion yang kebenarannye boleh diragui dan testimoni... |
point aku bukanlaah pasal darah ni, tapi pasal kadang2 sikap manusia ni yang terlalu obses dengan bende macam ni sampai orang hilang pertimbangan tentang ape yang sebenarnye harus die buat..Raihan pernah cakap, iman tak dapat diwarisi dari seorang ayah yang bertakwa...tapi nyawa kite adelah tanggungjawab kite untuk pelihara, dan dalam kes ni, adelah tanggungjawab mak ayah die...memanglah ajal ditangan Tuhan, tapi kalo macam tuh, bolehla kite baring2 kat tengah2 jalan biar kereta langgar and then tgklah mati ke tak...bolehlah kite semua memudaratkan diri sendiri sebab kalo kite jage baik2 pun kite mati jugak bile kite kene mati..boleh ke macam tuh? tak boleh kan? (ni boleh masuk topik maqasid syariah pulak dah ni)
ni sume adelah pengajaran...bagi aku supaya bersedia dan belajar untuk berfikir secara lateral dan diluar kotak supaya walau macamane sekali pon perangai orang aku boleh handle dengan baik, boleh didik mereka untuk kebaikan mereke sndrik...supaya tindakan aku memberi manfaat kat org lain wlupon susah..
dan pengajaran untuk orang2 yang berakal supaya fikir2kan dan renung2kan ape saje moral of the story yg korang boleh simpulkan~
Monday, April 25, 2011
jangan menangis...
met a patient's mother today...
since i am now in paediatric postings, so the most i can dig out from a patient is via the mother...
my patient today is a 2 year old malay boy who came in due to fever..
his fever was just like any other normal fevers, but they admitted him because they were afraid if its dengue fever..however, in that sense he's fine...
he is a solemn looking boy, rarely smiling and didn't even talk..i couldn't hear his voice at all but according to the mother, he was always like this, so its not surprising...
halfway through the interview, i found out that the mother taking care of him is actually not his real mother but his aunty...
his real mother is actually a 21 year old unmarried girl who left him 12 days after being born..
2 years of his life, he never knew his mother...
his aunty (the real mother's sister) whom he called "mak" took care of him because her husband wanted to eventhough every other people in her family were against the plan and wanted him to be given to outsider or Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat...his aunty's refusal of giving him away and her husband's good natured determination gives him the chance to live like other normal kids from a normal happy family...
sadly, whenever he was brought back to his village, his grandmother refuses other people of the village to know of his existence...he was not allowed to go out of the house...his existence is a shadow of an unforgivable sin, but he didn't even know it...nobody realizes that he did not ask to be born into the world, he did not make his parents create him out of wedlock, he did not want to be a stranger of his own family, whats more of a mother...all that he wanted are parents who could love him because it is their responsibility, because he is their way, their chance for redemption of their past mistake..yet they make him pay for their sins...
what moves me was the tears of the aunty who was so depressed because of how this boy is being treated...how everyone in her family seems not to care about the boy's future once he know of who he really is..
i know, this time will pass, but at the same time i am very much relieved because he was taken care by an aunty who loves him and an uncle who regards him as his own son..and he did not end up thrown into the bin like some sort of rubbish...how i wish that there'll be more kind-hearted, steel spirited people like them..may ALLAH bless them here in the world and more importantly in the hereafter...
since i am now in paediatric postings, so the most i can dig out from a patient is via the mother...
my patient today is a 2 year old malay boy who came in due to fever..
his fever was just like any other normal fevers, but they admitted him because they were afraid if its dengue fever..however, in that sense he's fine...
he is a solemn looking boy, rarely smiling and didn't even talk..i couldn't hear his voice at all but according to the mother, he was always like this, so its not surprising...
halfway through the interview, i found out that the mother taking care of him is actually not his real mother but his aunty...
his real mother is actually a 21 year old unmarried girl who left him 12 days after being born..
2 years of his life, he never knew his mother...
his aunty (the real mother's sister) whom he called "mak" took care of him because her husband wanted to eventhough every other people in her family were against the plan and wanted him to be given to outsider or Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat...his aunty's refusal of giving him away and her husband's good natured determination gives him the chance to live like other normal kids from a normal happy family...
sadly, whenever he was brought back to his village, his grandmother refuses other people of the village to know of his existence...he was not allowed to go out of the house...his existence is a shadow of an unforgivable sin, but he didn't even know it...nobody realizes that he did not ask to be born into the world, he did not make his parents create him out of wedlock, he did not want to be a stranger of his own family, whats more of a mother...all that he wanted are parents who could love him because it is their responsibility, because he is their way, their chance for redemption of their past mistake..yet they make him pay for their sins...
what moves me was the tears of the aunty who was so depressed because of how this boy is being treated...how everyone in her family seems not to care about the boy's future once he know of who he really is..
i know, this time will pass, but at the same time i am very much relieved because he was taken care by an aunty who loves him and an uncle who regards him as his own son..and he did not end up thrown into the bin like some sort of rubbish...how i wish that there'll be more kind-hearted, steel spirited people like them..may ALLAH bless them here in the world and more importantly in the hereafter...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
one in a million
sangat gilekan lagu neh sekarang...
adoi~
memang tak dapat dinafikan gua sangat jiwang beb...
tapi gua lagi cair tgk die senyum ngan menari je ah..hehehehehhehe
rase cam nak ikot je tapi tataw mane nak mule..hmmm
baru balek dari PWTC punye book fair..
aku rase tahun2 dulu lagi banyak stall kot, ke sebab dorang dah gune bilik2 instead of satu hall besau make tak napak sangat banyak macam dulu ye??
mase melawat bende neh dapatlaa aku completekan koleksi buku AKU TERIMA NIKAHNYA karangan ust Hasrizal tuh...aku dah kawin, though kadang2 bende yang dia cerita takde kene ngene ngan aku, aku layankan aje..pasalnye die bercerita tentang orang2 yang nak bermule dengan baik, sedangkan aku punye permulaan tak berape nak baik, so kisah2 die sedikit2 tuh tak relevan ntuk aku plak..ahaks..tapi tak kesah, sebab dari kisah pertengahan sampai ke akhirnye adelah bende2 yang sume orang nak and masih boleh diubah..hik..kat luar biase orang jual buku neh rm20 tapi aku dapat rm17..hik...best2..
lagi beli buku medical emergencies, hadis 40 imam nawawi (yang sangat macam poket n concise, aku suke) and buku bob lokman: aku, isabella dan tok kenali...rupe2nye tok kenali neh femes, aku je tak kenal..mangkuk tol..isabella ngan bob lokman kenal plak~duh..
its a fair day..sangat menarik, tapi aku masih tidak produktif...ape nak jadik?
adoi~
memang tak dapat dinafikan gua sangat jiwang beb...
tapi gua lagi cair tgk die senyum ngan menari je ah..hehehehehhehe
rase cam nak ikot je tapi tataw mane nak mule..hmmm
baru balek dari PWTC punye book fair..
aku rase tahun2 dulu lagi banyak stall kot, ke sebab dorang dah gune bilik2 instead of satu hall besau make tak napak sangat banyak macam dulu ye??
mase melawat bende neh dapatlaa aku completekan koleksi buku AKU TERIMA NIKAHNYA karangan ust Hasrizal tuh...aku dah kawin, though kadang2 bende yang dia cerita takde kene ngene ngan aku, aku layankan aje..pasalnye die bercerita tentang orang2 yang nak bermule dengan baik, sedangkan aku punye permulaan tak berape nak baik, so kisah2 die sedikit2 tuh tak relevan ntuk aku plak..ahaks..tapi tak kesah, sebab dari kisah pertengahan sampai ke akhirnye adelah bende2 yang sume orang nak and masih boleh diubah..hik..kat luar biase orang jual buku neh rm20 tapi aku dapat rm17..hik...best2..
lagi beli buku medical emergencies, hadis 40 imam nawawi (yang sangat macam poket n concise, aku suke) and buku bob lokman: aku, isabella dan tok kenali...rupe2nye tok kenali neh femes, aku je tak kenal..mangkuk tol..isabella ngan bob lokman kenal plak~duh..
its a fair day..sangat menarik, tapi aku masih tidak produktif...ape nak jadik?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
care...
i have it all..
when i read things in nets about ladies being tortured by their men and his family in many kinds of ways, i could only held my breath, and keep the anger within me and at the same time feels grateful because of the man that i have and because of his supportive, and loving, un-gedik-able family...
i could only pray that this will last forever...
its hard to believe the torments the other ladies are suffering all around the world and how they could actually live with it day in and day out..how they allowed themselves to carry the burden their good for nothing rubbish of a men should as well carry it with them together as a family..they don't even stand up to it though they know life with their men is like a hell on the earth..their reasons are many yet none of them i could understand or even imagine with my logical and emotional thinking...it was like they are so insensible but strong, no insights but determined, hopeless but very positive..like their inner self are contradicting with each other..it buggles my mind..huhu
and here i am acting like a mad lady because he answered the phone with an annoying voice because he just woke up from sleep and had to pick me up somewhere he has never been...poor thing~hehehe
when i read things in nets about ladies being tortured by their men and his family in many kinds of ways, i could only held my breath, and keep the anger within me and at the same time feels grateful because of the man that i have and because of his supportive, and loving, un-gedik-able family...
i could only pray that this will last forever...
its hard to believe the torments the other ladies are suffering all around the world and how they could actually live with it day in and day out..how they allowed themselves to carry the burden their good for nothing rubbish of a men should as well carry it with them together as a family..they don't even stand up to it though they know life with their men is like a hell on the earth..their reasons are many yet none of them i could understand or even imagine with my logical and emotional thinking...it was like they are so insensible but strong, no insights but determined, hopeless but very positive..like their inner self are contradicting with each other..it buggles my mind..huhu
and here i am acting like a mad lady because he answered the phone with an annoying voice because he just woke up from sleep and had to pick me up somewhere he has never been...poor thing~hehehe
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| buli, jangan tak buli~nanti2 konfem gua kene buli plak..ahaks |
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
keep fighting
i have been fighting all my life..
fighting to be strong as a kid..
fighting to be steel-hearted as a teenager...
fighting to be happy as a young adult..
fighting to be successful as a mature adult..
and i will keep on fighting for my own terms, because eventhough at certain point of times, giving up feels like the best choice ever but the truth is, fighting makes life much easier and more meaningful than just lingering around hoping that rainbows and golds will come my way without much effort...it will then, feel undeserving~
and now, i will fight with myself to become the real fighter
fighting to be strong as a kid..
fighting to be steel-hearted as a teenager...
fighting to be happy as a young adult..
fighting to be successful as a mature adult..
and i will keep on fighting for my own terms, because eventhough at certain point of times, giving up feels like the best choice ever but the truth is, fighting makes life much easier and more meaningful than just lingering around hoping that rainbows and golds will come my way without much effort...it will then, feel undeserving~
and now, i will fight with myself to become the real fighter
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| cun~ |
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| kektus siput sedut |
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| apehal??? |
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
bende baru untuk di cube
korang suke makan nasik bariani?
salu pegi JM Bariani house kan? ke cam dah bosan?
kalo dah bosan, boleh lah try bariani house yang lain...ahaks...
aku nak suggest MATTOP BARIANI lah plak..lokasinye kat Bandar Baru Bangi belakang PKNS
aku tak makan laa, tapi bak kate si pemaging (aka omnivor) yang merupakan peminat nasik bariani, die kate sedap gile ah..berbaloi2 dengan harge die..die makan nasik bariani ayam harge die rm7 sepinggan...layan jela beb..ahaks..yang penting puas hati..heheheh..sape nak rase boleh laa pegi sane rase sendirik ye~
korang suke menari?
ke suke lompat2?
hahahaha...aku suke dua2..
selalunye aku lompat ikot irama dekat you-tube la kan..kasik berpeluh sket...
nak joging malas gile dol...nak-nak bile balek2 umah je macam dah nak tercabut kepale lutut...
pastuh tetibe cambest gak kalo lompat2 gaya lain kan..ahaks..
so aku pon beli ah satu bende bername dance pad...
korang taw, bagai si gile aku carik bende alah neh kat serata kedai mainan kat malaysia neh (ok not reli) rupe-rupenye bende neh ade terjual kat baangi neh je haa...siap boleh deliver free lagi..bongoks betol..sia-sia je aku pegi subang jaya bagai...ahaks..
harge die pon ok lah...rm60..
so sesape yang nak bende alah neh boleh laa pegi ke web site ini...--> http://www.dance-mat.com.my/
salu pegi JM Bariani house kan? ke cam dah bosan?
kalo dah bosan, boleh lah try bariani house yang lain...ahaks...
aku nak suggest MATTOP BARIANI lah plak..lokasinye kat Bandar Baru Bangi belakang PKNS
aku tak makan laa, tapi bak kate si pemaging (aka omnivor) yang merupakan peminat nasik bariani, die kate sedap gile ah..berbaloi2 dengan harge die..die makan nasik bariani ayam harge die rm7 sepinggan...layan jela beb..ahaks..yang penting puas hati..heheheh..sape nak rase boleh laa pegi sane rase sendirik ye~
hamek ko...horrror tak?
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| smile detection!! |
ke suke lompat2?
hahahaha...aku suke dua2..
selalunye aku lompat ikot irama dekat you-tube la kan..kasik berpeluh sket...
nak joging malas gile dol...nak-nak bile balek2 umah je macam dah nak tercabut kepale lutut...
pastuh tetibe cambest gak kalo lompat2 gaya lain kan..ahaks..
so aku pon beli ah satu bende bername dance pad...
korang taw, bagai si gile aku carik bende alah neh kat serata kedai mainan kat malaysia neh (ok not reli) rupe-rupenye bende neh ade terjual kat baangi neh je haa...siap boleh deliver free lagi..bongoks betol..sia-sia je aku pegi subang jaya bagai...ahaks..
harge die pon ok lah...rm60..
so sesape yang nak bende alah neh boleh laa pegi ke web site ini...--> http://www.dance-mat.com.my/
Monday, April 11, 2011
rindu
saye mahu balik...
saye tak pedulik..
you can't make me choose between you who are not blood related to me and my own family..plus, i am trained in a boarding school where all this stupid things about grooming and eating has been taught to me, so why do you think you can change me at all if 5 years of training previously did not affect me in any ways?
oh by the way mr whoever you are, i am NOT finishing school yet to be attending a finishing school programme..(uh oh, define finishing school please~)
mode: sangat marah dan kecewa sbb dah sebulan tak balek and ade pulak makhluk2 yang cube tak nak bagi saye balik last2 minit..huh
saye tak pedulik..
you can't make me choose between you who are not blood related to me and my own family..plus, i am trained in a boarding school where all this stupid things about grooming and eating has been taught to me, so why do you think you can change me at all if 5 years of training previously did not affect me in any ways?
oh by the way mr whoever you are, i am NOT finishing school yet to be attending a finishing school programme..(uh oh, define finishing school please~)
mode: sangat marah dan kecewa sbb dah sebulan tak balek and ade pulak makhluk2 yang cube tak nak bagi saye balik last2 minit..huh
Saturday, April 9, 2011
gabai retreat
excellent day for a picnic (jangan kate haku tak ajak plak, aku dah post kat fb okay..ahaks)
we have never been to Gabai falls actually eventhough its located less than an hour from our place...
we got lost because of the bloody stupid GPS who keeps recalculating the route, but luckily the people at the kajang silk tolls and grand saga tolls are well rehearsed as to where this fall is located so we arrived there safely and within the time limit that we set which is at 830am..early, right? especially for people like us who never arrived early to hospital when its only 15 mins away..ahaks...reason being is we want to get the best spot before that place becomes overcrowded..true enough, there were only 5 families there when we arrived and i am so THRILLED because i get to bath at the foot of the fall...the thunderous waterfall was amazing, it makes you dizzy showering beneath it...and its so SUPER freezing cold!! i usually can stand an hour without getting out shivering like mad, but now i lasted for only 30minutes...hiks...
we had to pay rm1 per person, but i guess it is worth it as the place is so clean...no rubbish seen around, but maybe that's because we are amongst the early birds and the place has just been cleaned...huhu
going there was a brilliant experience...its near to KL yet the environment was totally different, like you are in another state altogether..it feels like being back to my village..the fresh air does gives you different aura..what a wonderful way to start a weekend...
we didn't stay long however...we were there only for about 3 hours as the place started to become crowded with people...next time i am going to buy my own tent so that when we go there again, i could sleep in peace inside the tent and not care how many people is bathing there...ahaks..
we have never been to Gabai falls actually eventhough its located less than an hour from our place...
we got lost because of the bloody stupid GPS who keeps recalculating the route, but luckily the people at the kajang silk tolls and grand saga tolls are well rehearsed as to where this fall is located so we arrived there safely and within the time limit that we set which is at 830am..early, right? especially for people like us who never arrived early to hospital when its only 15 mins away..ahaks...reason being is we want to get the best spot before that place becomes overcrowded..true enough, there were only 5 families there when we arrived and i am so THRILLED because i get to bath at the foot of the fall...the thunderous waterfall was amazing, it makes you dizzy showering beneath it...and its so SUPER freezing cold!! i usually can stand an hour without getting out shivering like mad, but now i lasted for only 30minutes...hiks...
we had to pay rm1 per person, but i guess it is worth it as the place is so clean...no rubbish seen around, but maybe that's because we are amongst the early birds and the place has just been cleaned...huhu
going there was a brilliant experience...its near to KL yet the environment was totally different, like you are in another state altogether..it feels like being back to my village..the fresh air does gives you different aura..what a wonderful way to start a weekend...
we didn't stay long however...we were there only for about 3 hours as the place started to become crowded with people...next time i am going to buy my own tent so that when we go there again, i could sleep in peace inside the tent and not care how many people is bathing there...ahaks..
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| dizzyyyy~~ |
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| BSB should use this place for their song DROWNING~ |
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| This one looks like he's the tsunami victim... |
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| heaven on earth..Subhanallah~ |
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| breakfast for the day..simple~baked potato, burger and sausages |
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| enduring the coldness |
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| i almost lost my specs here because of the speed of the water, it took my specs out of my ears and eyes and everything, but thank God when i searched for it in the water (this place is in between rocks and its deep) using my foot, my toes somehow managed to find it and grab hold of it..it is a miracle, i thought i had no chance anymore..alhamdulillah~ |
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| even my notes gets to go picnicking...(no, i don't read it) |
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| air terjun sungai gabai |
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| definitely will do! |
Friday, April 8, 2011
kidney...
saw a young man, the age of me...(rahsie ye~) in nephrology ward..(wad sakit buah pinggang lah)
he already has an end stage kidney failure due to some funny disease that did some funny things to his kidney causing his kidney to be shrunken and unable to function anymore..
it wasn't the disease that intrigued me...in fact, i don't really care whatever the hell the disease is and how it works, but what i care most is what it did to this young gentleman...
having kidney failure makes a young life almost impossible for you unless you get the chance of getting a new kidney..
as for this man, he is subjected to daily dialysis via his stomach done by himself every 5-6 hours using 2 litres of fluid at every cycle...then it makes me wonder,
how in the whole wide world can he go out and have the time of his life without having to worry about his own wellbeing?
how does he feel, handling his own life with his own two bare hands? i mean, this is life in its essence...i am not talking about money or car or home..i guess that's just something less important for him than finding ways and doing things to prevent himself to drop dead at any moment...
how does he react to a disease that he acquired not by his own mistakes like most people who had kidney failure due to uncontrolled hypertension and diabetes mellitus that they subjected themselves into most of the time?
how is he going to live on when his mother who takes care of him passes away? well, he even looked into my eyes and said that he might only have 8 years more to go...i was so scared to look back into his eyes and said theres always a way out..i am used to false hopes, i think i know not to give him that when he himself knows his own predicament..with the current malaysian medical practices, the chances of him to move forward is very low unless he is a rich man which he is not...doing dialysis thru his abdomen requires a tube sticking out of your abdominal wall and the risk of getting infections are very high..he has had twice already in 7 months using it and he is very lucky that the infection doesn't get into his blood or he might not survive seeing that both his kidneys are gone already..if he gets another infection, he might require an operation on his forearm to make a fistula to allow him to go for hemodialysis which is also very expensive for the likes of him...one cycle takes up to 5 hundred and he'll need it once in 3 days at least..he's not working..with malaysian dialysis centre who mostly does not know how to handle the fistula, the chances of it to be useful for more than 10 years is pretty low..it might only be functional for 5 years before it gets blocked and then his only chance is to do another fistula on his other forearm and as previous fistula, it might not last long also at which time he might only be 10 years older than now thus in his early thirties, than he'll be back to where he started which is using abdominal dialysis again..he's a good candidate for kidney transplant but with lack of malaysian donor and lack of money to get a transplant from some other country this is not an option for him...
i hate seeing people like this...its not angry hate, but sadness kind of hate...
yes, God make him sick so it erases his sins, making an easier path for him to enter the heaven if he is patient and redha with His tests...
but for someone like me who saw him, i feel really bad..what have i done in my past twenty something years of life to make myself appreciate my life better and make the best out of it?
even now, i am being stupid...
he already has an end stage kidney failure due to some funny disease that did some funny things to his kidney causing his kidney to be shrunken and unable to function anymore..
it wasn't the disease that intrigued me...in fact, i don't really care whatever the hell the disease is and how it works, but what i care most is what it did to this young gentleman...
having kidney failure makes a young life almost impossible for you unless you get the chance of getting a new kidney..
as for this man, he is subjected to daily dialysis via his stomach done by himself every 5-6 hours using 2 litres of fluid at every cycle...then it makes me wonder,
how in the whole wide world can he go out and have the time of his life without having to worry about his own wellbeing?
how does he feel, handling his own life with his own two bare hands? i mean, this is life in its essence...i am not talking about money or car or home..i guess that's just something less important for him than finding ways and doing things to prevent himself to drop dead at any moment...
how does he react to a disease that he acquired not by his own mistakes like most people who had kidney failure due to uncontrolled hypertension and diabetes mellitus that they subjected themselves into most of the time?
how is he going to live on when his mother who takes care of him passes away? well, he even looked into my eyes and said that he might only have 8 years more to go...i was so scared to look back into his eyes and said theres always a way out..i am used to false hopes, i think i know not to give him that when he himself knows his own predicament..with the current malaysian medical practices, the chances of him to move forward is very low unless he is a rich man which he is not...doing dialysis thru his abdomen requires a tube sticking out of your abdominal wall and the risk of getting infections are very high..he has had twice already in 7 months using it and he is very lucky that the infection doesn't get into his blood or he might not survive seeing that both his kidneys are gone already..if he gets another infection, he might require an operation on his forearm to make a fistula to allow him to go for hemodialysis which is also very expensive for the likes of him...one cycle takes up to 5 hundred and he'll need it once in 3 days at least..he's not working..with malaysian dialysis centre who mostly does not know how to handle the fistula, the chances of it to be useful for more than 10 years is pretty low..it might only be functional for 5 years before it gets blocked and then his only chance is to do another fistula on his other forearm and as previous fistula, it might not last long also at which time he might only be 10 years older than now thus in his early thirties, than he'll be back to where he started which is using abdominal dialysis again..he's a good candidate for kidney transplant but with lack of malaysian donor and lack of money to get a transplant from some other country this is not an option for him...
i hate seeing people like this...its not angry hate, but sadness kind of hate...
yes, God make him sick so it erases his sins, making an easier path for him to enter the heaven if he is patient and redha with His tests...
but for someone like me who saw him, i feel really bad..what have i done in my past twenty something years of life to make myself appreciate my life better and make the best out of it?
even now, i am being stupid...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
i don't dance?
i don't dance..nope..
i look simply horrible when i dance...
but i love it..
i love watching people dance, it feels like the inner body of me moves along..
it greatly interest me...
so, i think i am going to take up dancing now...
just as part of my losing weight regime seeing as there are so many restrictions to my daily exercise..
i finished class at 7.00pm nowadays which rules out jogging
i live so faraway from the pool and the pool has got schedules which is sometimes hard to follow, thus rules out swimming (and i SO LOVE IT!! damn~)
skipping is so strenuous and not fun when done alone...i lasted only 15 minutes each sessions and i have got no other time to be doing another 15 min session...
but today, i tried dancing...it might have been strenuous, but i don't feel it (or maybe its not) and it is so much fun when done alone as i don't want people to be laughing at me..hehehe..and i lasted 30mins at one go..hehehe..cool...i need to lossen up my body, i guess...its so stiff i couldn't follow the grace dancing of the instructor..she's so fast!
however, its a great start~
i look simply horrible when i dance...
but i love it..
i love watching people dance, it feels like the inner body of me moves along..
it greatly interest me...
so, i think i am going to take up dancing now...
just as part of my losing weight regime seeing as there are so many restrictions to my daily exercise..
i finished class at 7.00pm nowadays which rules out jogging
i live so faraway from the pool and the pool has got schedules which is sometimes hard to follow, thus rules out swimming (and i SO LOVE IT!! damn~)
skipping is so strenuous and not fun when done alone...i lasted only 15 minutes each sessions and i have got no other time to be doing another 15 min session...
but today, i tried dancing...it might have been strenuous, but i don't feel it (or maybe its not) and it is so much fun when done alone as i don't want people to be laughing at me..hehehe..and i lasted 30mins at one go..hehehe..cool...i need to lossen up my body, i guess...its so stiff i couldn't follow the grace dancing of the instructor..she's so fast!
however, its a great start~
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
exhausted
i have exhausted all my energies and mind power for this week, i feel like lying down and not wake up until next monday...
is that possible?
all i want is a nice weekend to take my minds off things before i missed this opportunity in the future?
is that too much to ask for?
its been a terribly stressful week, though i did enjoy it...hmm...
okay, i am going...
is that possible?
all i want is a nice weekend to take my minds off things before i missed this opportunity in the future?
is that too much to ask for?
its been a terribly stressful week, though i did enjoy it...hmm...
okay, i am going...
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