sickly..

and the tears keep on flowing...
yes, i am looking forward to everything that is in front of me..
trying to be part of my own life..
trying to put my own soul into my own body had not my soul been taken away already..
trying to remember that whatever i plant now, it will grow up if God willing...
trying to assure myself that i need not to worry because i am losing nothing..
because whatever, whomever i love is never far away from me,
they might be outside my vision field, but they are yet so very near in my own ribcage and skull..
so why should i despair?
but still, i feel sick of myself..
especially my heart...
its like it has this really one big hole and nobody near me can patch it up..
eventhough my heart has one large hole, it doesn't mean that it gets lighter..
in fact, it gets even heavier..maybe of blood, of emotion, of the silent love...
each day, each second i am carrying this really heavy burden on my own..
wanting to relieve it means that i am digging my own grave for multiple times
i wish i can get away with this life that i am currently living in...
in fact, that is what i wanted to do so very much..
so i can restart it, whole and fresh again hopefully..
but the thing is, i couldn't find my way out yet..
though i know, maybe one day the door will open, i just dunno if i will be able to live that long with this sick heart...