bile nak ade baby ek?

like any other married couples...what i dearly want now is a baby of my own, to love and cuddle and to nurture into becoming a whole person that can benefit the ummah...
but yet, my desire is clashing...much that i wanted a baby like right now, i want to finish this study real fast too..i don't want to have to extend, taking short courses just because i am having a baby...i am not sure or ready if i can take the extra years when everyone has graduated...its like compromising my future though i know, on time or later, my future is one that is to become a doctor. that, i can confirm..inshaallah...its just making it later that makes me a bit shaking in getting a baby...

if i think it thru, unlike for some other people not taking the profession as mine, getting a baby after graduating will be very much ideal...but for me, getting a baby in the 1st 2 year of my working period will be the worse thing i could do to my child....i won't be at home much and i am definitely sure that the child is not going to be taken care of by me...i won't see the child playing, learning to talk, babbling, laughing baby laugh, starting to walk and fall, crying..i won't be there to catch the beautiful moments and be there with the child when the emotional part is growing when the bonding strengthen...2 years only if i am lucky...what if shit happens and for all i know, i am stucked with housemanship which is super busy for 3 years...or more?
but again thinking about that, i can't definitely afford to be pregnant during houseman...that will kill me because like i said earlier, its super busy and i will be like an overworked, overloaded robot...i am pretty sure that the baby will be experiencing a harsh life when not even born yet..what with the mother didn't get enough calorie and nutrition...not to mention myself being pregnant at that time..anaemia will come up of course....and i definitely don't want to extend my housemanship because i have to give birth...if i have to extend the problems i have mentioned earlier will surface...and i don't want to be called HO tua...or MO tua...and i definitely want to start my masters as fast as i can

arghhhh the dilemma is killing me

i do give a thought of having one like now, before i graduated....its by far the most relaxed and easier part of my life..no big responsibilities...no on-calls, no overworking...not overtly tired, enough sleeps, can go shopping and having fun still and lots more as a student...i could have given my child all the love and attention he/she could've get as compared to later on...but the limitation right now is money and study times...and yes not to forget the late graduation if the labor is not planned accordingly and just like HOW can i do that??
sigh~~

 going back to basics...am i ready anyway to carry another huge responsiblity of bringing another life into the world and guide it into not becoming the useless humans that is already littering the world now...?? i don't want my child to end up into something worthless..what will i answer God then? in such a young age, can i do that? i know that i work with people, having to understand humans' psychologically and emotionally day by day, something many people of my age cannot decipher...but apart of that and most importantly, can i actually teach the child to become someone who is religiously minded? someone that i can hope for prayers when i finally leave the world?

that part i can learn...books, experiences from mothers...many girls get married early and gets children at young age and managed to bring up excellent children despite that...

ermm...not to forget the pain of pregnancy and labor which haunts me since i did my obstetric posting last year..huk

hurm...having wrote all of these, i am pretty sure that he's gonna kill me if i said i am never gonna have a baby in another 10 years...(and in the same time i want 6 children)...hahahahaha

so the dilemma now is weather to start a family before graduating i.e before starting the super crazy and busy houseman or after finishing housemanship in which time hopefully i am not yet 30...pregnant DURING houseman is TOTALLY OUT OF THE CHOICE...huh...

camne?