if i had my child to raise over again

if i had my child to raise over again:

i'd build self esteem first and the house later,

i'd finger paint more, and point finger less,

i would do less correcting and more connecting,

i'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes,

i would care to know less and know to care more,

i'd take more hikes and play more kites,

i'd stop playing serious and seriously play,

i would run through more fields and gaze at more stars

(adapted from Chicken soup for the soul, by Diane Lemons)

saye rindu mak saye!!!!!!!

nak call die skrg neh tapi fon tade kdt, nak kua takley sebab da kene kunci dalam umah sebab org bawak kunci tuh tataw pegi mane sampai lupe diri tak balek2 neh...so takley nak pau hp die skrg...arghhh

i am the 1st child in my family...naturally, being the first will be the one with the highest expectation from the parent.. to be the ones whose parent will decide what career they will take up when they grow up...i am just the same...what i want to become now is not what i dream of...in reality, i hated them when they in a way forced me to become what they want me to become, a doctor....because they wanted to become doctors, but couldnt...so i am the hope...how i was angry with their thoughts...

nevertheless, with all the grudge i studied under their watchful and killing gaze, with their screaming, swearing voices whenever i answered wrongly, with their pinches and punches painfully hitting parts of my body when my focus strays...i was only in primary school that time and i already think i have conversion disorder..i used to act dumb, not wanting to talk to them anymore, being paralyzed on purpose...i never cried though their remarks hurts my child's feeling...engko neh bodoh sgt la, ape bangang sgt kamu neh? dahla, bengap macam ko takyah jadik pape pon...i'm only a child, what do i understand with such things? i felt helpless...and at that time, what i want was just to get out of the house and study elsewhere...that's the external force that makes me turn deaf ears to them and studied till i get 4A's for UPSR which is for them, not satisfactory....nevertheless, i make it into a boarding school...and life changes...

i miss them...at that time i dunno why i should when i hated them at that time..being rebellious and wanting to leave house, that, i have achieved...i should be proud of myself..but now, no more mum's cooking, washing my clothes....bla3...though with full grudges, i understood the meaning of having a family...something i don't quite decipher when i was in primary school...but that was all....

till at one point of time, my mum started writing me letters which takes me with surprises..the letters were full of yearning and encouragements...letters that only now i understood why she wrote it...she was trying to make up the lost years when she is more fond of and aggressively corrects me and failed to connect with me, when she only played serious with me and never seriously play with me...all those years lost that can never be recovered again...i'm no more at home, and possibly will never be home long enough for her to start understanding me or vice versa...the letter was to apologize to me for being her in a way....i smiled yet cried each time i read her letters, but never once i replied it...that time, i thought, now only she appreciates my existence, when i already left..i think i am wrong...

because of the way i was brought up, i think i have some attitude problems...always creating problems since in secondary school till now.....its not simple problems, i can confirm u...but really serious ones that could have cost my future...at one point of time, i felt happy because of the created problems, because to me its my revenge to my parents...how bad i was right? my dad keeps on saying that i am unworthy kid that i just like to disgrace them for fun...but my mum goes the other way round..she believes its their fault that i became what i am...that she know i have some emotional conflict with them, thus i did what i did...but despite that, she keeps on having faith in me...giving words of wisdom that always discourage me to do more stupid things..hugs me and kissed me more, crying with me...trying to give me whatever i need that she think might give me some happiness..advising me...she chose not to leave me alone when she know i have put her down and when she knows that i will regret what i have done...she tried to love anything that i love...i am an adult now...i am broken once, but she completes me....

because of her, i became what i am now....

what she did to me when i was little might have hurt me, but at least now nothing and no one can hurt me by just swearing at me or hitting me...i become harden....something others don't understand why i never share my feelings with others...why a girl can suppress a depression alone...why a girl can cry alone in the middle of the crowd with no one realizing...because of that, i thank my mum for making me tougher than many girls...

because of her too, i still strive for the best to become a doctor...i might not need to score too much now cez nobody will be screaming at me anymore, and if they did, i know how to do nothing about it...i understood that because maybe she saw some potential in me, some braveness in my little soul, she believes that i can become a doctor, though i don't know anything about my own potential..because of her faith and trust, here i am now....

because of her, i stayed with someone i hate once....she convinced me that nothing matters but to become happy in whatever i have and never to be ungrateful...she knows i will also love whatever she love...so in front of me, she shows forgiveness and love hug and kisses to him eventhough he used to hurt her deeply....in the hope that i could do the same, not for her own sake but for my own...for my own well being in the world and hereafter...

because of her, i learn to be careful with my money and career later on....she shows me how a woman can be disgraced by her husband because of money and career...i will never let that happen to me...and i promise you mama, once i become what i have to become, my career and money is dedicated to you...

she also taught me on what it takes to be a respectable and loveable wife and mother....how she dutifully serve her husband though he sometimes mistreated her....and how she always spend time and be there for us when we are around...how i miss those times when we, the 5 children and mama crowds on my bed and talk, laughing about, but when dad came, everyone disappear...poor dad...but i know why that happens..

dear mama, i really love you...words can never describe what's in my heart right now...

all i want to do right now is to hug u and kiss u..and never let you go...i know you like that~

for me, everyday is mother's day, because mama, u never escape my heart and mind at all....