damaged

yep..i am damaged, thats what i am...
each time i am done with my bed-side teachings or exams where i need to present or when i am required to answer questions, i hated myself..

i hate how i have been raised to become someone who has no confident in myself..
i hate the way i have been raised that i could not express my feelings or thoughts to people who wants me to do that by talking...and not by writing...
i hate the way i have been raised that i could not look into the face of the lecturers when they ask me questions that i know the answer...and in the end i frustrate them with illogical answers
i hate the fact that when someone utters an expression of disbelief towards me, i lost faith on my own brain cells and heart...
i hate the fact that i am so scared...so timid...so discouraged...
i hate the fact that all these facts makes me feel that i shouldn't be here, that i do not belong in this profession...

why do you even want your daughter to become a doctor, when you damaged her self esteem beyond repair she couldn't even have some faith or confidence in herself??

~cry~

5 person you meet in heaven

another book by mitch albom (he is by far my second best writer, the first one being JK Rowling..hik~)
lots of quotes i love in it and would like to share here:

1. all endings are also beginnings, we just don't know it at the time...
2. there are no random acts..we are all connected..you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from a wind
3. fairness does not govern life and death..if it did, no good person would ever die young
4. strangers are family you have yet come to know
5. sacrifice is a part of life..its supposed to be..it's not something to regret..its something to aspire to..sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it...you're just passing it on to someone else
6. holding anger is a poison. it eats you from inside. we think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. but hatred is a curved blade. and the harm we do, we do to ourselves.
7. lost love is still love. it takes different form, that's all..you can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around the dance floor..but when those senses weaken, another heighthens. memory. memory becomes your partner. you nurture it. you hold it. you dance with it. life has to end, love doesn't
8. each affect the other and the other affect the next..the world is full of stories but the stories are all one
9. love, like rain can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. but sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its root, keeping itself alive

number~

when i was a kid, i have always been forced to be good in my academics...
i have been forced to be the best of everything...particularly academics...

i have never remembered being a child when i was supposed to be a child...never remembered what cartoon i loved to watch as a child..what video games i used to play if theres any...my life at that time were always filled with screams and beating because i could not answer some stupid math questions..a stupid math question that i could not understand what is so important about knowing it and how to use it in the future at all...that gets even worse when i am going for my UPSR exam...i remembered only watching TV from the reflections on the marble floor...life has always been about reading a science book and doing some math problems...(none of it is ever useful for me or anyone i know except just to memorize it stupidly and answer the exam questions and then forget about it)..despite getting good enough measures of beating and curses, my results were never appreciated...each time i bring home my report book with me not being the best student of the class only gives frustrations to my parents...i live with their frustrations, with their sigh at my dumbness...i guess, i am nothing to be proud of...until towards the end of my primary school i managed to become part of the top 5 students, but still, my UPSR for them was never the best as i only managed to get 4A and 1B...they were sad that i may not be able to leave them to go to a good boarding school...how stupid is that? but because of the pressure of living with them, i was so excited with the idea of being accepted to a faraway boarding school...and i managed to leave....
numbers make me leave my family...which i regretted when i started my boarding school..
and numbers are what making me keep living with my friends only...

i remembered vividly all the pressure even only thru phone...when i talked to dad and all he wanted to know was what number i get and whether i'll be able to beat other students...i hated that back then and even now...
even now, the question of whether i can get a 3.5 makes my blood boil...
as i grew up i realize numbers are just numbers...

u get 5As for UPSR and you got admitted to the best school in the country and you were surprised to find that there are people who managed to get into the school with 3As...and you are dismayed to know that your UPSR actually means nothing at all to anyone cez u are living the same life as everyone...
then u struggled for ur PMR...and u get 9As but then again, u realize u r still living the same life...only achieving some good numbers for nothing..and u live with those who barely pass...and u live the same life as others...nothing changed...then u struggle for SPM because everyone told you that this is the finale of your life..what will determine your future..and u give ur best shot, u got 20As and u got admitted to the world best university with those who only get 5As...u still live the same life as others...even worse, u found out that your friends who fails their SPM is doing well without having to go to universities...you are better because you have numbers to allow you a degree and a posh job..well, you thought you are at the top of the world and you realize, that once you are a university graduate, you are almost always an employee..unless you do something more creative, you'll only become an employer at the age of 60....but how many managed to think of something creative?? because, all we care thruout our lives are numbers...to score...to beat others..to be the best student..u forgot that once u graduated, the best student or not u r, it does not matter at all anymore..what matters most is whether you can do your work competently or not

and in the end, we become like a practical employee..bunch of graduate scholars who do not know how to do their work because all the time they spend at university is only to grab good numbers rather than how to be a good worker...to serve others rather than beat them..to improve the country rather than thinking for your own self....

scoring is nonsense

chase numbers, it'll only make life miserable for you...but chase excellence and success will chase you, pants down...

(a reminder for me not to become lazy~zzz)

Why do we read Quran, even if we can't understand a single Arabic word????

A BEAUTIFUL STORY ABOUT QURAN...

An old American Muslim lived on a farm in the mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson. Each morning Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading his Quran. His grandson wanted to be just like him and tried to imitate him in every way he could.

One day the grandson asked, 'Grandpa! I try to read the Quran just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Qur'an do?' 

The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and replied, 'Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water

The boy did as he was told, but all the water leaked out before he got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, 'You'll have to move a little faster next time,' and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead

The old man said, 'I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You're just not trying hard enough,' and he went out the door to watch the boy try again

At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he got back to the house. The boy again dipped the basket into river and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said, 'See Grandpa, it's useless!'

'So you think it is useless?' The old man said, 'Look at the basket.'

The boy looked at the basket and for the first time realized that the basket was different. It had been transformed from a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out

'Son, that's what happens when you read the Qur'an. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside and out. That is the work of Allah in our lives.' 

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH & his family) said : *'The one who guides to good will be rewarded equally.'

p/s: special thanx to my dearest lecturer, mr Ahmed Awil Adam...who never stop nurturing us to be a better person~

raya di perantauan~

ceh, tak boleh blah kot tajuk..
tade merantau mane de...dok KL je haa...tapi tak dapat balik raya pasal cuti raya sehari je..
hahaha
so takot penat sangat kite lepak jela sini..
kunun2 nak study kan, last2 aku g menjahit plak bwat 2nd beg...best tapi tak best sebab yg neh kecik n aku baru realize aku tak suke beg kecik2...hehehe
oh ok...
raya haji taun neh aku celebrate with faiz n 2 of my bestfriends (naj and azrul~)..pasal sume org da balek kg tinggal kami berempat je kat umah sewa...hahahaha...so pepagi pkul 730am da gerak g umah member2 neh kat DPP (desa pinggiran putra)..bukak pintu umah dorg, hah amek ko terbongkang satu mamat tak reti bangun lagi...hahaha sian die, baru tido pkul 4 am pasal nak masakkan menu ktorg haritu iaitulah masalodeh n sambal sotong~ dorang g semayang raya, aku dok layan drama raya...cite nyawaku dihujung tali gantung ke ape ntah, last2 aku tak sempat pon tgk die kene gantung ke tak sebab da tukar cite..balek2 je bebudak tuh, terus arr melantak...adela nasik impit faiz masak, beli lemang tepi jalan, layan~!! hoh...best gile beb member aku neh masak..memang terus ilang stigma aku laki masak tak sedap...hahah..aku makan dekat 5 mangkuk kot lontong..hadoi~memang mantap gile sampai skrg dok teringat n nyesal pasal tak bawak balek sekalih...aih
pastu ktorg layan ah cite 3 idiots..pergh, memang sdey..sape2 tak tgk lagik silala tgk ye~bagi sikit insight kepade kite dan hidup kite...and then, naj plak (juge sorang lelaki) masak gulai ayam...huiyo~memang best ah~jadikla gulai ayam tuh lunch ktorg, makan ngan nasik impit gak ngan lemang...hik9...best...n layan cite stephen chow..hik9...memang superbest ah...ak balek je umah terus berdengkur sampai pkul 8pm...lemang2 dan nasik2 dan santan2 neh memang ubat tido yang maha kuat...

in summary, wlupon raya tak balek kampung, tapi takpe, aku ade kawan2 yang sangat best dan makanan yang sedap2 to cheer me up!!

thanx frens..i hope this won't be the last wlupon aku tataw raya haji taun depan kite dpat jumpe lagi ke tak..ape kate kite bwat cam 3 idiots tuh? jmpe every year wlupon sekali? hahaha

dari kiri: faiz nasik impit, azrul masalodehsambalsotong, mosh si omnivor

featuring naj gulai ayam...hehehe

STEPHEN CHOW!!!!!!

p/s: tak lupe juge kepade mosh n waqi kerane menjadik lelaki sejati...iaitulah tukang makan...hahahaha

beg~gie~hoho

my own first beg that i made with my own hands...hwaaa..happynye!!!!!!!!
(fully done by: 9.00pm, 141110~)

and i sew it using my hands...which means, no machine is involved in the making of this thing....hahahaha...its kinda comot but who cares, its only the inside that is comot...is going to make another one this week...wee

puteri~

someone wanted me to join puteri UMNO...
but i refused it point blank because of  Malaysian's history

the reason that the person wanted me to join this ''club'' is because it is a so-called way to repay the country for providing me with good education..well, to me, repaying the country has got nothing to do with joining any political clubs..repaying the country is serving my countrymen and women regardless of their political views, RACE and religion..because it is their hard-earned tax money regardless of their political view, RACE and religion as long as they are Malaysian that provides me my education...those political men only took their money, put it in a resource centre before being given to me..and in history, it has shown that Malaysian has never been a country of only one race..whoever political people that held the government, they are just there to make things ''right'' but its the people of Malaysia, again, regardless of political views, RACE and religion that work to build this country starting from independant day..its their money, so its them i should be repaying...

another reason that person gave me to join this puteri club is to fight for the Malay's right alongside them..i dun like this Malay's right thingy...i think it is irrelevant already..everyone should have the similar rights as a Malaysian citizen because as i say, this country is known to be multiracial..all countrymen regardless of political view, RACE and religion as long as they are Malaysian works hard to build this country..it is their money, their 400 bones and brain, their sweats that make this country functions..and most of the time, the non-Malays works harder then the Malays...its a reality that everyone can see..don't they deserve equal rights too? if rights are what people want, for me, its the Muslim's right vs non-Muslim's rights which the prophet had told us...and this is an Islamic country right? and anyway, the thought that i am malay, u r a chinese, he is an indian is very dangerous...we are Malaysians, right? and that's what matters...maybe someone will question me, are u not afraid for your child's future? my answer is simple, my child's future should be in his/her hands, brains and bones...not in the hands of some political rules and certainly does not depend on his/her ID status..

oh TIDAAKKK!!!!

berat aku da mencapai tahap menakutkan..
pelik aku
aku rase aku tadela ketare sangat tembam ke ape...
cam tak padan je ngan berat badan aku neh...
benci!!!!!!!!!!

make terpaksela aku memikirkan cara2 nak turunkan berat badan...
kalo la aku ade sorang nutritionist mase neh, hepinye aku (sambil kunyah roti cream cheese)

so petang neh kene g joging...
kene stat diet...

pepagi makan roti je same air susu...
tengahari seboleh2 makan ikan, sayur ngan buah...
malam aku da tataw nak makan ape...toksah makan la kot.. (mengarutla plak rasenye begitu)
no more air manis ntk aku...

huk...takmo gemuk!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kucing oh kucing

sakit hati kemain ngan kucing neh...banyak betol songeh nye rase cam nak tampar2 je lelaju...aku da bagi makan ikan tuh, makan jela...yang kecoh ikan tuh bukan ikan kembung ape kes weyh??? aku ikan pon tak kenal selain dari ikan sardin dalam tin, yang ko serabut sangat apehal? sape plak aja ko name2 ikan dan care2 membezakannye sedangkan ko dari kecik makan biskut je? haihh panas betol la!!

pastuh plak kalo aku tak masak ikan tuh, jangan kan nak makan, pandang pon tak mahu...weyh incik kucing, aku pon tak masak ntk diri aku sendrik tetiap ari taw tak?? dah tu plak, sape plak aja ko ikan masak bole rase lain dari yang tak masak? ko lapar en, dah tuh mentedarah jela...nehla die kalo manje sangat...pasneh sumbat biskut je senang..padan muke ko..sape soh tak reti bersukur? heee...bikin hangin satu badan ditengah malam betol la...ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!! len kali bagi ko kebulur seharian baru aku bagik ko makan, nak???

karangan pelik

karangan pelik mase skolah yang sampai sekarang aku tak paham kenape aku kene buat...:

karangan no. 1: "saya sebatang pen", " saya seutas jam", saya sebuah kereta", " saya sebuah kerusi","saya sebijik bom"...bla3...kenape ye aku nak jadik memane satu yang tersenarai diatas??? dah tuh plak jalan cite die same je..(at least ntk aku la kan)...cam pikir2 tak logik la plak kalo setakat nak meningkatkan imaginasi pasal cite die same je walaupon karangan itu mengisahkan aku dalam ape saje kategori bukan manusia yang ade kat dunia neh...memule tuan aku beli aku, pastu sayang2 aku pastu aku pon terbakar ke, kene buang ke ape ke...hahahahaha...tapi aku layan jela, takot kene marah ngan cikgu..huk..

karangan no. 2: "kepentingan melancong di Malaysia" ke "barang import vs export"..eheh lebey kuang macam neh la tajuk die...ala yang part2 time ekonomi malaysia cam down gile pastuh betape pentingnye untuk kite tak beli barang import, and promote pelancong datang malaysia and jangan pergi overseas...ade satu point yang mesti wajib kene ade iaitulah jangan beli brg import (dan yang seangkatan dengannye) sebab nanti duit malaysia mengalir keluar ke ape bende tuh...aku memang kantoi ah kalo nak imagine part neh...MENGALIR??? like how??? and then kalo die mengalir keluar yang ntah macam mane cikgu tak pernah explain langsung pasal die pon tak belajar akaun ke ape ke tetibe negare bankrap..memang aku tak paham langsung hahahaha...well, bile dah besar neh pon aku tak paham jugak~lalalala~naseb ah~

karangan no. 3: "keburukan merokok" hahahaha...mase tuh tak jadik medical student lagi and cikgu yang mengajar tuh pon tataw ape keburukan merokok kan...so point yang dorang suke ketengahkan ialah merokok menyebabkan kebakaran...mase tuh aku layan jela kan...citela org neh kaki rokok pastu buang puntung rokok rate2 pastu puntung tuh tangkap kertas surat khabar pastuh tibe2 satu rumah hancur terbakar...kekekeke...aku siyes tak paham tapi kalo tak buat kang kene marah plak pasal dah tataw ape point nye...tapi semakin aku da jadik tua neh, bile direflek balik tak penah lagi la aku dengar umah terbakar pasal puntung rokok...yang aku dengar, perokok2 ni tergolong dalam orang-orang yang sangat tinggi risiko untuk kene darah tinggi, kencing manis, kolesterol tinggi, sakit jantung, angin ahmar, kanser, gangrene, paru2 rosak, buah pinggang rosak..bla3...

karangan no. 4: "rumahku, syurgaku"..yang neh memang takley blah...pasal mase aku PMR, aku amek bahasa arab gak tau...punyela aku benci bahasa arab mase tuh n tak study langsung pastu tetibe da nak PMR baru aku terpikir, eh kang soklan karangan aku nak bwat ape eh? so beberape jam sebelum exam arab tuh aku hapal la karangan bertajuk "rumahku, syurgaku"...kenape aku pilih tajuk neh pon aku tataw...punyela yakin konfem soklan karangan neh yang kuar kan...so gile punye hapal yang kalo org arab dengar neh memang dorang tabik hormat la kat aku...sekali masuk exam, soklan karangan dia memang totally lain gile punye iaitulah "sekolahku, syurgaku"...hamek ngko~cemane aku nak bwat lagi? aku kosa kata arab memang hampeh gile la kan...so, tanpe mempedulikan soklan exam, make aku pon tulis gak la karangan yang aku da hapal tuh...ala bukan jauh benar pon bezanye, dedua syurgaku la jugak kot...hahahahhaa...ingatkan fail dah arab mase tuh, rupenye dapatla C...kekekekeke...aku rasela examiner tuh salah tande kot paper aku..huk

ciaow~