number~

when i was a kid, i have always been forced to be good in my academics...
i have been forced to be the best of everything...particularly academics...

i have never remembered being a child when i was supposed to be a child...never remembered what cartoon i loved to watch as a child..what video games i used to play if theres any...my life at that time were always filled with screams and beating because i could not answer some stupid math questions..a stupid math question that i could not understand what is so important about knowing it and how to use it in the future at all...that gets even worse when i am going for my UPSR exam...i remembered only watching TV from the reflections on the marble floor...life has always been about reading a science book and doing some math problems...(none of it is ever useful for me or anyone i know except just to memorize it stupidly and answer the exam questions and then forget about it)..despite getting good enough measures of beating and curses, my results were never appreciated...each time i bring home my report book with me not being the best student of the class only gives frustrations to my parents...i live with their frustrations, with their sigh at my dumbness...i guess, i am nothing to be proud of...until towards the end of my primary school i managed to become part of the top 5 students, but still, my UPSR for them was never the best as i only managed to get 4A and 1B...they were sad that i may not be able to leave them to go to a good boarding school...how stupid is that? but because of the pressure of living with them, i was so excited with the idea of being accepted to a faraway boarding school...and i managed to leave....
numbers make me leave my family...which i regretted when i started my boarding school..
and numbers are what making me keep living with my friends only...

i remembered vividly all the pressure even only thru phone...when i talked to dad and all he wanted to know was what number i get and whether i'll be able to beat other students...i hated that back then and even now...
even now, the question of whether i can get a 3.5 makes my blood boil...
as i grew up i realize numbers are just numbers...

u get 5As for UPSR and you got admitted to the best school in the country and you were surprised to find that there are people who managed to get into the school with 3As...and you are dismayed to know that your UPSR actually means nothing at all to anyone cez u are living the same life as everyone...
then u struggled for ur PMR...and u get 9As but then again, u realize u r still living the same life...only achieving some good numbers for nothing..and u live with those who barely pass...and u live the same life as others...nothing changed...then u struggle for SPM because everyone told you that this is the finale of your life..what will determine your future..and u give ur best shot, u got 20As and u got admitted to the world best university with those who only get 5As...u still live the same life as others...even worse, u found out that your friends who fails their SPM is doing well without having to go to universities...you are better because you have numbers to allow you a degree and a posh job..well, you thought you are at the top of the world and you realize, that once you are a university graduate, you are almost always an employee..unless you do something more creative, you'll only become an employer at the age of 60....but how many managed to think of something creative?? because, all we care thruout our lives are numbers...to score...to beat others..to be the best student..u forgot that once u graduated, the best student or not u r, it does not matter at all anymore..what matters most is whether you can do your work competently or not

and in the end, we become like a practical employee..bunch of graduate scholars who do not know how to do their work because all the time they spend at university is only to grab good numbers rather than how to be a good worker...to serve others rather than beat them..to improve the country rather than thinking for your own self....

scoring is nonsense

chase numbers, it'll only make life miserable for you...but chase excellence and success will chase you, pants down...

(a reminder for me not to become lazy~zzz)