kau pergi~

the moment u said your goodbyes, u r already gone from my life...
i remembered all the promises we kept for more than a year and in one miliseconds you broke it apart..
do u know how terrible it feels?
i never guessed that this will happen after all that we have endured together...
i should've opened my hearts and eyes more to the possibilities
and trust my instinct..but i loved u too much that it blinds my consciousness..
how could you?
i never thought that you will be the one who picked me up, trusted me and tear my life into pieces..
and the worst part about it is you ran away from it...
who are you?
where is the person that i have been loving?

but hell, man...
i don't care anymore...
i am not losing anything at all...you r the one at lost now..
in fact i might be luckier than anyone else..
you wanted perfections, but u r not even close to goodness...
i guess, u made your own choice by letting a person bleed, and i hope u will be happy with someone's blood on you...

congratulations for managing to cause all the pain...it will never end

have a little faith...

read a book by mitch albom: have a little faith...
i love this writer..he is blessed with two people (at least) that gives him the chance to share some insights and learn about living, having faith in life and dying...
well, in this book, it was outlines the relationship between him and his rabbi...
he is a Jew...naturally brought up to be religious, but as time goes by like many of us, he did not understand what religion really means to people, whatever the religion is...
what is the importance of having faith and believing it..
so this book conveys on how his rabbi tried to install some faith in him...
to be able to believe in the higher power and how it affects our lives..
to believe that some things are not within our hands, so that we can make peace with it.
to have hope in Him...
to love and pray for each other regardless of creed, race and religion (now i sounds like Prof H)

i know he's a Jew, but all the same, the principle is not alien to me...

in summary, "i am in love with hope-mitch albom"

so, i am not giving up with hope...
Allah has given sustainence to me, and He will always do...i believe in that...

p/s: to that person, i promise that i will never forget your promises...

hurt..

i am hurt
should i call for help or should i withstand it?
should i quit or let it be?
should i run or should i stay put?
should i cry or should i embrace it without feeling?
should i keep on singing the sad songs or should i keep quiet?

the answers are obvious..
but to carry it out is near impossible..

sickly..

and the tears keep on flowing...
yes, i am looking forward to everything that is in front of me..
trying to be part of my own life..
trying to put my own soul into my own body had not my soul been taken away already..
trying to remember that whatever i plant now, it will grow up if God willing...
trying to assure myself that i need not to worry because i am losing nothing..
because whatever, whomever i love is never far away from me,
they might be outside my vision field, but they are yet so very near in my own ribcage and skull..
so why should i despair?
but still, i feel sick of myself..
especially my heart...
its like it has this really one big hole and nobody near me can patch it up..
eventhough my heart has one large hole, it doesn't mean that it gets lighter..
in fact, it gets even heavier..maybe of blood, of emotion, of the silent love...
each day, each second i am carrying this really heavy burden on my own..
wanting to relieve it means that i am digging my own grave for multiple times
i wish i can get away with this life that i am currently living in...
in fact, that is what i wanted to do so very much..
so i can restart it, whole and fresh again hopefully..
but the thing is, i couldn't find my way out yet..
though i know, maybe one day the door will open, i just dunno if i will be able to live that long with this sick heart...

comfort zone

i am living in comfort zone...

with someone providing me with anything and everything i need and wanted...

so that i get to go to classes, studying as others my age should be doing

and chasing my ambitions..

so that i will be able to look forward to become someone that is functional in the future..

as well as always have my own private times to day-dream, laugh out alone or cry over stupid things...

yet the question is, is this really what i want?

is this where my heart really is?

should i just bear with it despite my heart crazily being tortured, so that i will be able to stay in this comfort zone and need not find a way to be happy anymore?

or should i leave this comfort zone in the pursuit of happiness despite its uncertainty?

i am so in dilemma...

a way...

What have i done wrong?

I yelled, i screamed, i stopped d tears..

yet nothing fills my empty heart..

I prayed, i laugh, i smile

And this broken heart remains as it is..

Its hard trying not to cry

its hard trying to convince that nothing happens actually...

Trying to believe that i am losing nothing..

That its never over...

But the pain jes wont last..wat is it that i hve not done?

What guideline that i do not know?

What tips have i overlooked?

Or is it my heart has stopped responding to all the antidotes i used to have?

Then wat do i do?

i know i need to trust in fate

need to have just a little faith...

n i so wish i could jes do that rather then hating in loudness and loving in silence...

All i wanted is a way to be good again... 

"Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu

Fahamilah ku tak mampu terus tanpa kamu

Bagaimana ku nanti

Bila tiada mengganti

Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja"

life is too short..

life is too short to cry over things...
i know that, yet the tears never dried away..
 pagi ni, mase kelas aku dapat berite yang sangat mengejutkan aku...
yang buat aku macam terjage dari mimpi yang panjang...
seorang sahabat aku mase skolah dlu pergi meninggalkan alam fana ni..
die merupekan junior aku...baru berumur 21 tahun..such a young age, to go with such a tragic reason..
mase skolah dlu, aku agak rapat dengan die..
aku agak suke dengan die pasal die neh mudah ntk berkawan..
pade aku, die adelah adik aku...

ktorang pernah same2 masuk pertandingan forum...dari peringkat zon, sampaila ke daerah...menang tempat ke-3 pon..patut boleh pergi ke negeri tapi, yg pergi negeri tempat pertame je..cis..mase tu aku da form 5, so ntk mengulangi kegemilangan tuh dengan die adelah mustahil...
aku igt lagi, kerane die dan seorang lagi team member forum tuh lupe teks mase forum, aku dapat anugerah pengerusi terbaik...sebab dorg mengarut sgt, and aku terpakse potong dengan membuat lawak yang aku bajet tak jadik rupenye jadik, make aku dapat jadik pengerusi terbaik, dapat johan and dapat masuk peringkat daerah..

n mase daerah, time rehearsal, ktorg susun2 text...mase tuh tajuk die pasal language...tah ape ak pon tak igt..
n den, ade satu ayat dalam texts die macam memperkatekan tentang papan2 iklan kat kedai2 yang salah tuh...contohnye cam kedai makan abu...kalo difikir2 bunyik die cam kedai uh makan abu kan??
so mase tuh, ktorg pon bajetla nak bwat lawak...ktorg soh die cakap, ape kate ko bagi contoh kedai jahit wanita? kan ke pelik...adeke org jahit pempuan?
so mase tuh ktorg cariklaa ketas manila and tulis besar2 kedai jahit wanita sebagai salah satu barang ntk dibawak naik pentas...
mase pertandingan aku risau gak kot2 lawak tak jadik kan..cez cam basi je tajuk neh...sebab mase skolah rendah lagi aku da dengar lawak uh..
so bile sampai turn die, die pon cakap ntah pape..lupe2 dan segale bagai lagi...lalu keluarlah kad manila dengan kedai jahit wanita tuh...
dan die cakap, cube tuan2 lihat papan iklan ini. kedai jahit wanita. tuan2 rase, ape ye yang koyak dekat wanita ni? dan ape pula yang hendak dijahitnye??
dengan muke sengal die cakap macam tuh...n penuh dengan suare skeptikel die...memang klakar habes la..
ya ALLAH...habes sume audience ketawa sampai nak teruskan forum pon ambil beberape minit...tuh pon aku mintak die teruskan pasal mase da nak abeh...
disebabkan bende tuh, die dapat anugerah panel terbaik peringkat negeri...
he was very proud...ktorg tak menang and he was very sad abt it anyway..but it doesnt matter..
bagi aku, kejayaan skolah ktorg masuk peringkat daerah n dapat tpt ke 3 tuh da cukup bagus sbab ktorg team pertame dari skolah...

semua ni terngiang2 balek kat telinge dan sanubari aku...
aku igt, aku nak terus kekal kontek ngan die wlupon aku da abes skolah..
syangnye, aku lupekan hasrat tuh....sebab aku rase die pon tak igt aku..
tak sangke, die pergi dlu dengan sebab yg aku rase lebih tragis dari kes sosilawati...
he wasnt killed by anyone..
he was killed by asthma...sesuatu yang sangat boleh dielakkan..
tapi sayangnye, die tak dapat ape yang rakyat malaysia patut dapat...an excellent medical care..
and die tinggal kat shah alam...bukan kat ceruk2 dunia yang susah nak capai tu...

ya ALLAH, dik, what have they done to you??
aku rase ralat sangat...
meskipon kamu da jadik milik ALLAH, pencipta kamu, tapi setiap kenangan tuh akak takkan lupekan..
terime kasih kerane menyentuh dan mewarnai hidup akak...
mungkin lebih baik kamu pergi dari dunia yang tak adil ni, dik...
ALLAH sayangkan kamu...
pergilah dengan aman...

wlupon kamu da pergi, tapi pemergian kamu tetap menyentuh hidup akak sebab akak tak mahu lihat sesiape berjumpe pengakhiran yang seperti kamu lagi, dik..terutamanye pesakit dalam jagaan akak...
akak doakan semoga ALLAH terus merahmati kamu, dik...amin

lemas...

tinggal satu lagi nafas...
dan aku lemas dalam nafas itu...
terperangkap dalam memori dan mimpi yang menyesakkan..
memori yang terlalu indah untuk aku lupakan..
terlalu perit ntk aku lepaskan...
bukan aku tak pernah mencuba..
yang pasti cubaan itu kini sia2..
aku tak ingin lagi mencuba kini..
kerana nafas ku akan bernoktah disini kiranya aku mencuba lagi

jadi, biarlah jiwa dan cinta ini dibawa pergi...
biarlah jasad aku disini...
biarkan aku berjalan tanpa nadi
sebab nadiku pun telah dibawa pergi...

one last breath....

Please come now I think I'm falling

I'm holding to all I think is safe

It seems I found the road to nowhere

And I'm trying to escape

I yelled back when I heard thunder

But I'm down to one last breath

And with it let me say

Let me say

Hold me now

I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking

That maybe six feet

Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over

Reflecting on all of my mistakes

I thought I found the road to somewhere

Somewhere in His grace

I cried out heaven save me

But I'm down to one last breath

And with it let me say

Let me say

Hold me now

I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking

That maybe six feet

Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me

But I still believe there's something left for me

So please come stay with me

'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me

For you and me 

For you and me

Hold me now

I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking 

p/s: sedang patah hati berderai2..

fall..falling...fallen..

is falling down and is never ever going to attempt to get back up again...
for all i know, attempting to stand back on my feet is just a waste of time, energy and tears...
let me live in this imaginary life of true love...
i dont mind being crazy...
i dont mind being miserable in the reality as long as i am happy in my imaginary life, in my dreams...
i have given out my everything to keep on living but now its pointless..
i shouldnt try, it only makes my life upside down...
how i live in world of lies..
i know i cant back out of this false reality..
but then, i am going to keep on living in my true imagination..
because i love my true imagination very much...
then,
let it be

back to square one...

vicious cycle yang melampau...
buat aku jadik senak di jantung memikirkan pengakhiran kepade sesuatu yang tak pasti...
kekosongan hidup yang aku isi dengan ape sahaje yg dikurniakan kembali kosong...
mungkin selama ini kosong, tapi kini kekosongan itu lebih membunuh dari yang dahulu...
buat aku tak mampu ntk bernafas tanpa sesak..
ketenangan yang aku perjuangkan hilang sekelip mata...
buat aku tak mampu lagi mencari apa yang aku perlu..
hilang arah tujuan...
hilang keinginan ntk berjuang...
menggelapkan mata hati dari melihat jalan hidupku..
hati sebak mengenangkan impian yang pernah musnah, kemudian terbina kembali tapi bakal musnah semula..
aku tahu itu, tapi aku tak mampu menolak tangisan dan rayuan dihati ini...
jiwa gelora, tak siapa yang faham apa yang tersirat sebab si pemilik hati ini sendiri tak mampu meluahkannya..
lelah bila pusingan ini takkan pernah berakhir sebab aku tahu, hati ini takkan membenarkan ia terjadi..
hidup yang umpama hukuman yang tak berkesudahan..
tangisan yang tak terluahkan...
rintihan yang terpendam...
luka yang tak penah sembuh..
penyeksaan pada sekeping hati yang terperangkap dalam jasad ini...
apa lagi yang mampu aku lakukan?
simpankan segala yang terbeban semoga nnti ada pembuka jalan
pengakhiran segala penyeksaan...
tapi aku bukan lagi semakin cekal...
tidak juge semakin tabah...
air mata ini dulu hanya tersimpan dihati...
tapi kini kembali bertandang di mata...

Empty spaces fill me up with holes

Distant faces with no place left to go

Without you within me I can't find no rest

Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on

But I am swimming in an ocean all alone

Baby, my baby

It’s written on your face

You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go

I don’t wanna make you face this world alone

air cincau walau dicincang takkan putus

setelah sekian lame aku memelihare kamu,
berusehe sedaye upaye ntk tidak berpisah denganmu..
akhirnye kini terpakse juge ku pergi seketike..
kerne raye sudah hampir tibe
dan aku perlu pulang ke kampung tidak lame lagi
dengan menaiki keretapi

sabarlah sayang..
jodoh kite mungkin masih panjang
aku akan datang kembali
menebus janji yang disemi..
tapi ntk sementara,
tinggallah kamu dengan dia..
yang turut mencintai kamu
sedalam yang kamu perlu..

selamat hari raya syg..
semnggu lagi aku datang membawa kau pulang...

gile emo siot~

babai baby!