my WAY!!!

sometimes i wonder...what the hell am i doing with my life??? did i make myself proud of myself? my parents? am i happy with whatever that i achieve? i know, there are millions other things that i need to achieve before i end my life happily but till now, did my life go according to plans? of my own or my parents...??


then i answer the quest myself...i had gone thru lots of obstacles that i dunno weather others can make it if they were me yet i managed to be here...to stand strong and bold..to be looking forward to my future..i had done my fair share of mistakes in the past and that doesn't mean i am unable to do some other mistakes in the near future..but at least i remember that only mistakes makes us realize what really is wrong...people tell me lots of things about good and bad, that makes me realize that sometimes they don't even know what they are talking about...


i don't want to judge my past life anymore...
if its not for the past, i am not what i am now though i hate my past very much...
i don't ever want others to make up my life at all...
critics are good but that doesn't mean it changes my life totally..
i have live my own way of life till now i am 23 year old...with guidance, yes...
i realize i am never a hypocrite to myself...


this is a song that both me and my mum share the same compassion towards it...it means a lot to me..well, we both did things our own way...we might not like what we are going thru but we find comfort in it nevertheless..because life could have been much much worser than as it is...


regrets? i had a few but then, mentioning doesn't mean i can change it at all...not now at least...






my way by frank sinatra


And now, the end is near,
And so I face the final curtain.
My friends, I'll say it clear;
I'll state my case of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full -
I've travelled each and every highway.
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets? I've had a few,
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course -
Each careful step along the byway,
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew,
When I bit off more than I could chew,
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way. 

I've loved, I've laughed and cried,
I've had my fill - my share of losing.
But now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing. 
To think I did all that,
And may I say, not in a shy way -
Oh no. Oh no, not me.
I did it my way.

For what is a man? What has he got?
If not himself - Then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way.

Yes, it was my way. 

5 bende pelik tentang aku~

5 bende pelik tentang diri sendirik:

1. buat bende tak pikir dulu...hehehehehe...salu kan orang cam tengok aku neh pandai menjawab...tapi kalo korg nak taw senanye jawapan2 aku hanyalah ape yang keluar dari mulut aku tanpa ditapis oleh pale otak aku...siyes, kekadang die cam terbetul plak jawapan tuh tp most of the time, sumenye hanyelah bantaian aku semate2 lalu karutla jawapan2 itu..kalo korg tgk aku jawab cam maen spontan, so mmg tak berfikirla tuh..kalo tgk aku diam je and muke berkerut2 sampai merah2 tuh, haa barulaa berfikir ye...masalahnye bile berpikir plak, jawapan tak betol..cis3~oleh itu jangan tertipu~hohoho
2. tak suke lipat selimut and kemas tempat tido...i mean, what's the point kan?? aku kemas untuk takyah tengok pon cez either aku g kelas or merayap, takpon duduk kat ruang tamu sampai laa ke time aku nak tido smule...yg time tuh aku cam da tak dulik pon kalo kat atas tilam tuh da tade rupe tilam tapi cam sarang kuceng ke burung ke ba alif ba ya ke..(oke melampau tuh)...hehehehhe..seb bek kawen gak...
3. tak suke buang hingus...biarla obstructed cam mane2 pon selagi boleh memang aku tanam dan bela bende tuh sampai la die kering sendirik...geli tak?? hahahahaha tapi siyes, korang penah dgr tak org buang hingus? lagi geli kot!!!!!!!!! rase nak muntah dengar, ape lagi kalo diri sndrik yg buang hingus kan? i mean, takkan laa tiap kali buang hingus nak muntah kan?? hahahhaha...plus kalo time berusehe nak strain buang hingus tuh cam lagi dasat dari sembelit kot...saket pale tahap takley blah~huk~
4. suke garuk badan time nak tido...ok..jangan buat tanggapan bahawa aku memang tengah 'gatal' time tuh ataupon aku ade jangkitan kurap atau pon tempat tido aku memang da jadik sarang kuceng yang penuh dengan kutu2...tapi sememangnye menggaru badan adelah care aku mententeramkan dan merelakskan badan aku...huuu...janganla pelik sgt weyh, bile last skalih korg garuk badan??? tak penah ke menikmati kesedapan menggaru tuh?bile garuk serate badan tuh,hadoi.....memang padam r mate neh kan...takyah urut2 neh..ade tukang garuk pon da ckup la...
5. suke tulis bende yang memalukan diri sndrik lagi...hoh...tadela, sebenarnye ade matlamat tulis mende2 cani neh...bukan setakat nak memalukan diri sndrik, tapi sebenarnye, andai kate anak2 aku ke cucu2 aku nnt tak dapat jumpe aku, at least ade bende yang dorg boleh refer ntk kenal sape senanye mak dorg or nenek ke ape la tak kesah la...(cam kuch2 hota hai sat) biarla dorg taw yang aku neh bukanla manusia perfect, biarlah dorg taw yang aku juge ade kesilapan dan keburukan sendrik...yang setiap kelebihan ade kekurangan...setidak2nye tadelah perlu rase terbeban sangat dengan kehendak seorang ibu, tadelah terase seperti mereka perlu jadik perfect dan berharap yang aku ini perfect orgnye..tak perlu hidup dalam ilusi itu...what a mother usually wants is not the children to become overtly perfect but a whole and happy person emotionally and physically (that's what my mum wants for me)...dan jugak mengingatkan aku tentang aku bila satu hari nanti aku perlu ingat bagaimana menjadi seorang aku ketika ini~

shutter island...

shutter island is a movie, not the gate shutter to an island nor its a shut down island and not even an island that acts as shutters to any electrical things..

duh~

its a freaking cool movie to watch..

but only for selected kind of people who have good imagination in understanding a person who has a broken, shattered reality...which means to say; psychosis...

for those with defective imagination, i guess this is not the movie best suited for you...it may only waste your time and money and also your minds reading this review...so don't bother...huhu

this movie is starred by leonardo dicaprio...who portrays himself as an army who then becomes a US Marshall...he was sent for a mission to investigate on a lost psychiatric patient in shutter island. this island is situated in the middle of the sea in god-knows-where that can only be reached by ferries. and in this island, theres a psychiatric institute for those criminally mentally disabled..(is that the correct term?)

so long story short...after an endless lost and found, mysteries by mysteries started to surface which is very confusing yet intriguing...all the rule no.4 and who's 67....this man and his partner, chuck was like entering a god forsaken dwindling labyrinthine of solving the mysteries until at almost the end of the story, somehow chuck died after falling down from a cliff...

mysterious as it is, he is very much convinced that chuck died because of murder by those who dont want the secret of the place spilled out. thus not wanting the death of chuck to be useless, he was determined to bring the down the doctors from the institute whom he suspected to be carrying out a very illegal, merciless, experimental lobectomy (taking out some part of your brains to make you zombified) using only electrical stuff to those mentally disabled patient from the institute...

however, it was all only in his head...

nothing is real...

he was only hallucinating things and is suffering from a bad persecutory delusions..

and not forgetting, his affective disorders...

turns out, this was triggered by the murder of his 3 precious children by his own psychotic wife whom he killed afterwards...at that time he was still a US marshall but somehow couldnt stand the depressing facts of killing his wife who took away his children...becomes psychotic and he ended up in shutter island for treatment...

and chuck however is not his partner, but is actually his primary psychiatrist...and yeah, is not dead in anyways..

the psychiatrist and hospital staffs were all only playing along with his hallucinations and delusions in order to try make him see sense that whatever he is believing in is non-sensicle at all...

its a really abnormal mystery story from the beginning but you know, you are diving into the mind of a psychotic patient....its very bizarre and has no end..they believe in it...and nothing in this world can break into their mind to make enable them differentiate what is real and what is not real...they are just like us but has different set of reality which is unreal...we believe in what we see, but they believe in what others can't see or understand..its not like they want it like that, its just they can't help it...

all in all, its a very inspiring story...

and definitely a new version of beautiful mine in some way...

those inspiring to become psychiatrist, rest assured, this movie is made for you...hahaha

wahai kamu, redhailah aku..

aku mencintai kamu...bukan sebab aku mahu

bukan juga kerana rupamu

bukan kerana hartamu...

apa lagi kerana reputasi...

aku mencintai kamu secara jujurnya kerana aku tahu aku tiada pilihan lain...

sebab aku tak pasti lagi tentang jalan hidup aku apabila kamu memaksa dirimu muncul semula dalam hidup aku...

aku mencintai kamu sebab aku tak mahu hidup dalam kerugian bila pintu syurga diatur didepan mata...

aku mencintai kamu sebab aku tak mahu jadi orang yang tak tahu mensyukuri pemberian tuhan...bukankah ikatan yang sah itu satu anugerah tuhan yang tak semua dapat menikmatinya?

aku mencintai kamu sebab kamu orang yang harus bertanggungjawab tentang hak dan agama aku, dunia dan akhiratku...

aku mencintai kamu sebab aku dan kamu tak tahu bila nyawa terpisah dari jasad...dan mungkin saat itu sudah terlambat untuk aku gapai redha kamu....

mungkin yang lain akan berkata, aku mencintaimu kerana tuhanku...mungkin juga betul diatas niat yang sama...mungkin~

mungkin aku tak mencintai kamu sepertinya kamu mencintai aku...

tapi hakikatnya ikatan ini adalah satu kaffarah yang harus aku bayar terhadap satu perjalanan hidup aku dimasa akan datang yang mungkin sangat hina dan penuh dengan kekotoran andai kamu tiada...

mungkin aku tak mencintai kamu sepertinya kamu mencintai aku...

namun terimalah kasih ku yang secebis ini kerana kamu menjadikan aku seorang wanita yang mahu menjadi lebih mulia dari dulu...mahu? atau terpaksa mahu? tak kisahlah....

wahai kamu, redhailah, bimbinglah aku...kerana redha tuhan terhadap hidup aku bukan lagi terletak pada kedua org tua aku semata2..tapi yang utama adalah redha dari kamu...

a woman comes from a man's rib..

not from his feet to be walked on

not from his head to be superior

but from the side to be equal

under the arm to be protected

and next to the heart to be loved..

is motivating myself...

falling down....again~

yeah...
is currently trying to motivate myself...
so sile jangan rase terganggu pule

apabile terlalu mengharap macam ni laa jadiknye...
ape yang kite nak tak salunye berjalan macam yang kite nak....
aku kene sedar hakikat tuh..
i am a planner...setiap perkare yang aku nak buat bile ade kene ngene ngan study mesti aku plan...
tapi bile bende lari dari plan, aku jadik tak tentu hale..terus hilang fokus...
ape yang aku mahu year 4 neh nak pulun sebab aku taw, core punye posting memang membunuh so susah nak score...
tapi malangnye...ape yang aku kejar tak dapat, bile jadik macam tuh aku bertungkus lumus pon tapi terus tetap tak tentu hale...macam bebetol satu skru kat otak aku da tercabut ke ape tah...jadikla aku, yang kejar tak dapat yang dikendong berciciran...gah~~

aku rase nak matiiii..dan terase seperti aku adelah manusia paling tak gune sekali

its just an exam...aku tak patot jadik macam ni...bukannye aku fail pon...
nobody dies because certain soklan aku salah jawab...
literally no harm done pon cez this is not even the final exam...
and some other people are struggling for life, tapi aku plak nak menangisi beberape soklan bengap yang aku salah jawab?
adekah aku ini mahu jadik org yang tak pasrah pade takdir dan ketentuan tuhan?
bukan ke ini jugak satu dari ujian tuhan pade aku?
tak mahu ke aku jadik org yang bersabar dengan ujian tuhan?
tak mahu ke aku jadik org yg bersyukur sebab tuhan beri ujian supaye tak leka, and ujian die tak pulak berat sangat ntk aku tanggung???

in life, exams is just one stupid matter to be cried over...
in life, dealing with lives is what matters most....
memang exam tu menggambarkan sedalam mane ilmu kite, menguji kepahaman kite..
tapi bukan ke pengetahuan org tuh pon cam iceberg...
kekadang time exam tuhla nak lupe...
tapi bile time laen ok je pon...
hanye empunye diri tahu keupayaan, kelebihan dan kekurangan diri die sendirik....
orang laen hanye mampu menilai dan meneka sape sebenarnye jiwa yg duduk dalam sekujur tubuh tu

in the end ape yang kite nak??
is to survive in this hardcore course and be a safe and sound doctor right?

mungkin org len dapat score ngan cemerlang tapi dorg tak dapat pengajaran yang aku dapat dari sume kesilapan aku...
mungkin org len berjaye dengan belajar and score gile2...tapi aku berjaye sbb aku belajar and buat salah dengan byk jugak...
bagi aku hanye kesilapan yang boleh mengajar aku ape yang betol...walopon susah aku nak terime, tapi,  jalan kehidupan aku dah membuktikan memang teori tuh betol ntk aku...
semoge aku tak ulangi lagi and aku ingat sume tuh sampai bebile (siyes, aku tak lupe ape silap aku since dari yr 3 dlu lagii~~)

ya allah....berilah aku kekuatan, ketenangan fikiran dan hidayah agar ape yang pelajari dan terjadi pade aku menjadi satu pengajaran yang tak mungkin aku lupekan bile kelak aku berhadapan dengan hamba2 mu yang lain yang memerlukan aku menjadi instrument of your mercy..ya allah, kurniakan aku kejayaan yang lebih penting dari kejayaan didunia ini...menjadi isteri yang solehah dan doktor yang selamat ntk agama, bangsa dan negara di masa hadapan...ya allah, kurniakan kejayaan yang cemerlang buat suami aku dan juge rakan2 seperjuangan ku...amiin~

.

" what's wrong with falling down? you can always stand up again....if you look up at the sky after falling down, the blue sky is also today stretching limitlessly and smiles at me...I'M ALIVE" 

<1 litre of tears>

i'm alive!

sile JANGAN usik name2 niii

oke name2 berikut sile datang ke depan...cikgu nak rotannn...hahahahhaa

kepade mereka yg membace atau tak membace sile jangan kaco name2 neh

aku da copp!!!

penat aku browse buku2 kat MPH selame setahun setengah yang lalu...so sile jangan buat usehe aku sie2 ye...

aku taruk kat sini pasal senang nak refer nantikan kot2 tetibe dapat alzheimer tak tentu hale plak...
so tade kene ngene ngan pape...jadik berenti mengspekulasi SEKARANGG!!!

name2 nye adelah seperti berikut

1. awliya yumna
2. daani wijdan
3. uzma' wadiyah
4. khaliq imtiyaz
5. izza raqia

hah..korang toksah nak tergode ngan name2 neh

korang g carik kat tempat len ok....kalo korang nak curik name aku tape tapi name yg neh takyah r ekk...

hehehehe

kesakitan hati

u make one simple snide and u hurt someone's heart without intending so..

one simple stupid remark that u claim to be a joke..but it's not at all..

it doesnt even sound like a joke..

why do u have such a blunted affect??

huh

ni namenye tade keje....

bengong gile tak suke nak ngedit2 gamba cani kan...habeh muke senget2...dagu besau, pipi terkemek..eyebrow da hilang lateral 2/3 (HYPOTHYROIDISM!!)...rambut tade...gigi je meriah..hak9

kalo tgk bebetol...ermm ade mamat tuh da tertukar jantina...hahahaha

tapi ok r...org tuh minat MU....so bole r baju merah tuh kan??

ngee

aduihhh...kelam kabutnye aku rase

gile poyo

yerla...
mane tak nye...year 4 da nak abes tapi aku macam tade rupe nak masuk year 5 je...
dalam pale otak neh aku rase macam da tak hingat ape2 da ni
weekend aku cube gak r bawak2kan diri bukak buku davidson yang tebal die adela dalam 4 inci (mgkin sedikit exaggerate)...pastuh bukak bape2 muke surat aku teringat case write up tak buat lagi...
tutup balek buku tuh and buat report...sangkut2 sikit pastuh give up...
pastuh nak bace balek buku 4 inci tuh aku teringat, hujung posting ni examnye masuk psychiatry balek...
bukak buku psychiatry plak...
da bukak buku psychiatry, jumpe sal ubat2 nak bukak buku pharmacology..campakla buku psychiatry ke tepi..
da bukak buku pharmaco, aku tengok jadual nampak posting2 laen yang menunggu aku khatamkan...paeds, ong, respi, ortho...dll....

maaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

mati aku caniii...

tapi aku ingatkan makin rajin, masalahnye terbuntu laa plak...
hadoi..mane nak mule niH??

okk...
kite kene bertenang dan tarik napas dendalam...heh

baek..
macam ni....

weekdays aku nak KENE study yang tgh posting (taik3...cam tak sempat je nehhh)
weekend satu hari bace psychiatry...satu hari lagi bace 1 chapter davidson...(kenape aku rase jadual aku neh macan suicidal je bunyiknye???)
huk

lagi macam tak membantu je..

ahhhh
pedulikkan!!!!!!!!!!!!
dari tak bace terus ok gak kalo aku cipte jadual instant aku ni kan?? hehehe

p/s: aku tengok budak kecik isap rokok as in sebaye adek aku yang 4 tahun tuh...dengan banggenye asap berkepol2 kuar kat mulut...heee kalo budak tu ade situ mmg aku tampar2 kan je...perangai ape ni????

semoga kite ambil iktibar...

pergi lah sudah seorang pelawak yang sangat aku gemari...

celoteh2 dan gile2 die di pagi hari buat aku gelak takpon paling kurang tersengih2 cam kerang...

tapi lepas ni takde dah die jadik penglipur lara ntk aku ngan sume rakyat mesia yang sayangkan die...

apepon, semoge pemergian die tak sia2 dan membuka mata kite terhadap bahayanye demam denggi ni..

semoge pemergian die menjadikan kite lebih peka dan tak ambil sambil lewa tentang persekitaran kite yang selame ni kite tak endahkan...

selalunye org tak ambik pusing bile bende2 macam ni jadik kat org laen sampaila kite yang kene sendiri...

sekarang denggi da meragut nyawa seorang yang sangat terkenal dan mungkin pernah menyentuh hidup kite suatu mase dulu...

sekurang2nya, die pergi tak saje meninggalkan nama saje tapi kesan dan pengajaran kepade kite ntk terus memerangi denggi..ALLAH tu MAHA ADIL..setiap yang terjadi tu ade hikmahnye..

denggi bukan penyakit berjangkit, bukan jugak penyakit genetik, bukan penyakit kongenital, bukan penyakit auto immune dan BUKAN KESILAPAN ALAM/CIPTAAN TUHAN, bukan jugak penyakit yang kite tak tahu macam mane boleh jadik...

denggi terjadik sebab kesilapan dan kecuaian kite....

denggi adelah penyakit yang kite semua BOLEH ELAKKAN!!!!!!

dan malangnye, denggi tak ada penawarnya....sebab itu, mencegah lebih baek dari merawat...

seru saye ntk kite semua, sahutlah kempen mencegah denggi kementerian kesihatan dengan ambil mase sekurang2nya 10 minit seminggu untuk mengemas kawasan umah kite daripade tempat2 pembiakan denggi...

mane2 tempat bertakung dengan air tuh buang2kan air nye ataupon bersihkan dan ganti dengan air laen (lapik pasu, sampah2, longkang tersumbat, bekas pokok yang hidup dalam air, takungan air)..

kalo airnye nak gune, tutup bekas tuh..jangan biar terbukak je bagi nyamuk bertelur dalam tuh...

gune ubat yang taruk dalam air tuh (abate)

dan bagi kerjesame kat orang2 yang buat kerje2 semburan nyamuk tuh!

kalo ade simptom2 demam2, sakit2 badan, pening2, naik ruam ke, lenguh2 sendi, cepat2 pegi cek esp kalo korang taw kat kejiranan korg ade kes denggi da berlaku...

kalo kite takley nak bantu orang lain, setidak2nye bantula diri sendirik, sebab dengan membantu diri sendirik sebenarnye telah membantu orang lain...(paham tak?..kene kritikal sikit di sini)

alfatihah buat abg din...