Love talk

Right now, im in special care nursery...my baby got admitted for neonatal jaundice and is currently undergoing a phototherapy...d day after tomorrow im supposed to fly back to KL and i am really hoping that my darling baby will recover by then...

Yeah, i have already delivered...a 2.3kg baby boy born at 35 weeks period of gestation after 13 days rupture of membrane...he is a perfect little boy who came out real fast, about 3 hours after i entered active phase of labor...he did not give me any problem when he made his entrance to the world, except leaving me with a little perineal tear, painful though it was, because he was literally sliding his way through the birth canal....

It was a hazy experience, short and sweet that i couldn't reallly grasp the reality when my prince was handed to me for the first time....it took me a few hours to understand that i have become a mama, 5 weeks earlier than expected, alone in another state which is not how i planned and unable to bring my little bundle of joy straightaway back home which is also not what i planned....i was frightened to be honest, but for this baby and for all the things i am about to face in the future, i held my breath and keep a bold heart....this simple things right now are not going to put me down....

And what a beautiful yet scary experience taking care of this baby for this past 8 days...here i am, a new mama with minimal experience handling babies, alone and in pain, having to take care of this sweet prince..and he was so quiet! Only woke up for some milk and then went straightaway to deep slumber...sometimes he was not even aware that he is hungry....i guess thats what happens when babies got jaundice...they are just sleepy....but otherwise he was feeding well, pooping as frequent as any newborns would be...because of his inactivities, a beautiful experience makes me thinks the worse and oh the nightmares it causes me was unbearable..i so wish that i am not a health personnel so that i can sleep comfortably at night...at that time, i understood what it meant to be ignorant and how blissful it could be...though it might be dangerous later on...

So today, we repeated his blood investigation and true enough, he needs treatment....i was devastated and cried all the way...it makes me think now, just a jaundice, a very common treatable problem in newborns especially a premature one could make me fall into pieces....how does other mothers face the horror of their child growing up? I am pretty sure there are lots of other horrifying things that happens along the way...how many tears have they cried? How much weight of hardship have they carried? How many heartaches have they endured? And despite all the negative things happening, they still found joy in the eyes of their children...such satisfaction must be very rewarding if their children grows up well, but what if they don't? People ask me, what does it feels to become a new mama...and it makes me think, really think deeply...despite all the hormonal changes now, the most significant feeling i am experiencing now is worry...there are so many things i am worried about. Though there are lots of parents out there who managed, i feel doubtful of myself...and because of that, i keep reminding myself to grasp this moment of life because it will never happen again and i will miss it if i keep worrying about things that i cannot change now...

For my beloved darling, rest assured, mama will never leave you....i will be there all through your life and i will do whatever it takes to be by your side even if it means i have to leave behind my ambitions...you are the apple of my eyes, the joy of my heart, the love of my life...i promise that i will love you unconditionally forever and do remember, whatever i did to you, be it pleasant or not, i have your best interest at heart...i pray that God will always love you and keeps you under his blessings, protecting you always...mama will be with you, in sickness and in health, until death do us apart.....