Baby talk 2

Tired..the only word that can only sum up about half of the things that i am feeling right now... apparently the baby has turn from a quiet to a fussy baby..i hope it will only last for awhile..anyway, as they say, this also  will pass...but then again, despite all muscleache and headache, its a joyous feeling being the one who is able to comfort the baby...well, my mum helps as well..hehe..i won't live a day if not for her...
I have nothing much to jot down, just want to dedicate a song for my son, who i guess is the most rightful person to receive it..

terukir dibintang by yuna

Jika engkau minta intan permata
Tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku capai bintang
Dari langit untukmu

Jika engkau minta satu dunia
Akan aku coba
Ku hanya mampu jadi milikmu
Pastikan kau bahagia

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nanti
Kan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa dihatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nanti
Kan kamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa dihatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan
Siapa dihatiku
Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Terukir di bintang
Tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu

Love talk

Right now, im in special care nursery...my baby got admitted for neonatal jaundice and is currently undergoing a phototherapy...d day after tomorrow im supposed to fly back to KL and i am really hoping that my darling baby will recover by then...

Yeah, i have already delivered...a 2.3kg baby boy born at 35 weeks period of gestation after 13 days rupture of membrane...he is a perfect little boy who came out real fast, about 3 hours after i entered active phase of labor...he did not give me any problem when he made his entrance to the world, except leaving me with a little perineal tear, painful though it was, because he was literally sliding his way through the birth canal....

It was a hazy experience, short and sweet that i couldn't reallly grasp the reality when my prince was handed to me for the first time....it took me a few hours to understand that i have become a mama, 5 weeks earlier than expected, alone in another state which is not how i planned and unable to bring my little bundle of joy straightaway back home which is also not what i planned....i was frightened to be honest, but for this baby and for all the things i am about to face in the future, i held my breath and keep a bold heart....this simple things right now are not going to put me down....

And what a beautiful yet scary experience taking care of this baby for this past 8 days...here i am, a new mama with minimal experience handling babies, alone and in pain, having to take care of this sweet prince..and he was so quiet! Only woke up for some milk and then went straightaway to deep slumber...sometimes he was not even aware that he is hungry....i guess thats what happens when babies got jaundice...they are just sleepy....but otherwise he was feeding well, pooping as frequent as any newborns would be...because of his inactivities, a beautiful experience makes me thinks the worse and oh the nightmares it causes me was unbearable..i so wish that i am not a health personnel so that i can sleep comfortably at night...at that time, i understood what it meant to be ignorant and how blissful it could be...though it might be dangerous later on...

So today, we repeated his blood investigation and true enough, he needs treatment....i was devastated and cried all the way...it makes me think now, just a jaundice, a very common treatable problem in newborns especially a premature one could make me fall into pieces....how does other mothers face the horror of their child growing up? I am pretty sure there are lots of other horrifying things that happens along the way...how many tears have they cried? How much weight of hardship have they carried? How many heartaches have they endured? And despite all the negative things happening, they still found joy in the eyes of their children...such satisfaction must be very rewarding if their children grows up well, but what if they don't? People ask me, what does it feels to become a new mama...and it makes me think, really think deeply...despite all the hormonal changes now, the most significant feeling i am experiencing now is worry...there are so many things i am worried about. Though there are lots of parents out there who managed, i feel doubtful of myself...and because of that, i keep reminding myself to grasp this moment of life because it will never happen again and i will miss it if i keep worrying about things that i cannot change now...

For my beloved darling, rest assured, mama will never leave you....i will be there all through your life and i will do whatever it takes to be by your side even if it means i have to leave behind my ambitions...you are the apple of my eyes, the joy of my heart, the love of my life...i promise that i will love you unconditionally forever and do remember, whatever i did to you, be it pleasant or not, i have your best interest at heart...i pray that God will always love you and keeps you under his blessings, protecting you always...mama will be with you, in sickness and in health, until death do us apart.....

Baby talk

What i know about my now....
1. Its a boy...
2. He hates CTG machine...or any kind of probes that comes in contact with my tummy
3. He loves listening to sounds, music or Quranic...
4. He becomes listless as i am when i am hungry..
5. Loves to wake me up at 4.30am
6. Hates when i walk too much
7. Gets hungry every 2 hours....

Will update when i can of more...huu

Raya 2012

This is the raya where there are a lot of first times for me..let me shed some light for you....
1. First raya as a doctor
2. First raya as a mother
3. First raya as a patient in a hosp where i work...
4. Firat raya in a hospital....
5. First raya being bed bound
6. First raya not having to wear raya attire...
7. First raya wearing a hosp attire.....
8. First raya where i only fast for 5 days..i think..
9. First raya without family....
10. First raya away from peninsular malaysia....

Cant think of anything anymore....but wow, thats quite an achievement, right?
To those out there about to have a blast in raya....selamat hari raya!! Maaf zahir dan batin.. may allah bless us all so that we can meet another ramadan....

Bored

I am bored out of my mind already...
I dunno for how long more im going to be stucked in this hosp....
I wish i have a good hobby apart from reading books, then i will at least know what else to do when all the books have already been read...
Now i am stucked watching the ceiling and sleeping all day long that it makes my brain gooey...
I guess once i started working again i won't even have any head or tail in taking blood already...sighhh

Learning...

Learning to be strong...
Learning to be accepting...
Learning to love..
More importantly, learning to be a MUM...
That, i am.....
All i want is that my baby to be safe and protected by God almighty....

Warded....

Yesterday was a very scary ordeal for me.....i woke up from sleep thinking i had peed on my bed but when i reached hospital where i was thinking i am going to work as usual,a gush of fluid came down my legs and instantly i cried...
I was freaked out...i am alone in a world where theres no family members around and i am only at my 33 weeks of gestation....my baby is too young to come out now....all the complications i have seen when i was posted in O&G dept came flooding down my memories and i was beyond scared...
Worry is an underestimated word.....
I believe God's calculation is for the best...right now everything is going on smoothly and i pray that it keeps to be that way....
This experience reminds me that despite me trying my hard to help my patients, my priorities should not waver from what is really important which is my child, my son, my future.....
To all my dear family and friends, i beg for your prayers to keep my child safe from any harm....and with that i am very much grateful...may Allah bless you all...

Jangan dikesali
Atas apa yang terjadi
Mungkin rahmat sebaliknya
Membuahkan bahagia


~anuar zain~

a decision of lifetime

once upon a time i had to make a very difficult decision, a decision forced to be made with very little choice for me..
a decision that moves me to tears each time i thought about it, which is every seconds of my life, a decision that causes me to change from someone bubbly into a more serious person, a life changing and permanent decision..
a decision that will change me from being a single girl to a married lady...i eventually agreed to jump on marriage-ship board, with the knowledge that God knows what He's doing for me, with the knowledge that this will prevent me from further destruction of my life, with a belief that the person whom i hate actually loves me will all his heart and will always try to protect me from any sort of harm even if i can't do the same for him...
3 years on the ship, fighting all sorts of storm and hurricane, crazy waves and lightning, we survived and may i say i was very grateful for being brave enough to make up this decision, despite boarding the ship at a very young age..me 22 year old and him 23 year old, both a 3rd year student with a bright yet still faraway future and no financial support of our own...there was so many obstacles as we sail across the ocean, but i will never change it for any other thing in life...what is adventure, happiness, money and everything life can offer you if its not shared with someone who actually really cares for your well-being, who really appreciate everything that you cherish and holds you when things went wrong as you trudge along? friends are never same as a spouse...friends only share the laughter, never the tears...even if they did, it never last long..
therefore, i am very content with my life-altering decision...i may have cried a million tears to make this decision but the still on-going outcome is very fulfilling for me...i am happy~that's all that's matters..

now, i am faced with another choices of decision to make, where the choices are very little...how do you choose between your career and a life? its totally impossible which makes it looks like decision has already been made...
i cried each day...just like i did 3 years ago..
and i am now making a life-altering decision without much options..and pray hard to God that it is going to be worth the pain...

meroyan

belum beranak lagi tp dah meroyan macam ape je~
i'm freaking out because i feel like i have lost control of my own life..this baby simply took a lot out of me~
don't get me wrong, i love it but i am going crazy..
i feel like i have no strength to live for tomorrow..
i went to work only to feel like i am going to pass out that instance...
the only thing that i can think of now is to quit what i am doing and concentrate on trying to survive...

sempena becoming a mum kunun

Semasa engkau dilahirkan
kabul sudah satu impian
Impian nyata kurnia Ilahi

Engkau anak istimewa
Kebahagiaan ibu ayah
Bila menangis dan juga tertawa

Hai anak kau tak mengerti
Betapa mulia pengorbanan mereka
Memberikan kasih sayang
Agar dapat menikmati dunia

Masa silih berganti
Kau membesar tak disedari
Cepat sungguh kau pandai bicara

Apa yang telah terjadi
Pada mereka kau derhaka
Mengapa begitu apakah salahnya

Hai anak kau tak mengertiBetapa mulia pengorbanan mereka
Memberikan kasih sayang
Agar dapat menikmati dunia

Kini kau telah tersesat
Hilang diri dan pedoman
Tak seorang pun yang mengambil tahu

Dan kini engkau menangis
Ibu ayah menghampiri
Walau engkau telah terpesong jauh

Hai anak kau tak mengerti
Betapa mulia pengorbanan mereka
Memberikan kasih sayang
Agar dapat menikmati dunia

sickly

i am soo hungry
i ate the fridge out (not really)
and awhile later i am vomiting it out like nobody's business..
it is awfully painful and i am so tired of it....
~cry~

love?

it needs more than love to be able to stand beside someone and be the source of their strength
it needs a lot of responsibility and courage..patience and passion..self-motivation  and vision..
to be able to say that things are going to be just fine to the person you love when you, yourself is unable to be confident about it...to be reassuring when your own self assurance is wavering..to be a motivator when your own motivation is  dying...
its when you are part of their life, really part of their life, when you wake up each morning and the first face you see is his/hers, then you'll realize that living with that person is more than just love...
its simply unimaginable unless you have been through it...

dunnolah

i am dreading to wake up everyday now.....
i am simply not enjoying it at all...
and somehow i think i am too young to be living a sad, stressful life...
i wish i can speed up time so all this nightmare will be over..
i don't care what people say about me being lucky cez all i can feel is crap...
its bad enough watching other people cry, but its even worst when you yourself cry daily..
why am i such a coward?

crap-nuggets~

you may say shitty things to me, condemn me on my faults but you will have no idea that i 

have been trying my very best, learning and working...then, i'll say it is you who is blind to see..i 

know who i am, and all the expectations surrounding me,  but even i believe nobody can produce

 miracles...

confidence

a strong and remarkable word, should one have it, it makes you a charismatic person..
a word i wish i am able to describe myself with...
one simple stupid mistake and all the little confidence left in me is shattered to pieces....
its madness, how building confidence takes all the strength and determination a person have and its ruined in a blink of an eye...
God help me...
i know mistakes happens for a reason and i am thoroughly relieved that the mistake doesn't lead into disastrous end...it was an excellent reminder for me so i wouldn't make real mistakes in the future...but it was painful, it makes me real scared to move on and built up again~

WHAT??

here i am thinking that i am going to have another 2 months of bliss when suddenly a bombshell drop and shatters my dream to pieces..hahahhahahah..exaggerating is so like me..
but yeah, i am shocked actually that i don't even know what i am feeling right now...
the day before yesterday i bought a flight ticket back to kl for 22 nov, thinking how kind the world is to me, and then yesterday i got a text message from my mum that says i've got my induction letter for this coming 15 nov..since i have already checked in my first ticket, now i had to surrender it...such waste~and i have to spend another rm900++ for another return ticket..madness..~

now i'm thinking of the prospect of working...and i am simply terrified..
i have seen 3 of my friends working, much that they say it wasn't as bad as it seems, i am not that much convinced...
i am not trying to be excellent now, all i want is to be able to survive this 2 years of housemanship..
but i really hope that i am going to at least like going to work...
so now, i am resigning as a housewife temporarily for the next 2 years...goodbye serenity~may i find you in other ways or in another life...
oh ALLAH, i work for YOUR blessings, so i could help my parents, my siblings, my husband and building family and of course, my fellow colleague and patients...may Your mercy be mine~

five simple rules to be happy~

another excellent story i got from facebook that i want to put up here as a reminder for me 


and people that i love if 




One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the 


farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well 


needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and 


began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and 


cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at


 what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something 


amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it 


off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over


 the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to 


shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of 


the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less from people but more from God

raya haji 2011

hujan lebat gile macam ade banjir turun dari langit dari malam tadi sampaila skrg neh...
so, pagi raya adelah pagi yang sgt kelabu~wuuu...mungkin die dah cerah tadi tapi aku tak perasan, kan? yerla aku bangun kul 11am kot..hahahahahaha...
bangun pon sbb kebuluran dah yg aku tahankan sejak semalam...hahahaha...
so bangun tengahari, mandi-mandi, bukak peti ais pikir nak makan ape..
lalu konklusinye ialah: nasik putih semalam yang dihangatkan sekali dengan ayam goreng spicy sejak dari zaman bile aku pon tak tahu, dicampur dengan kicap manis habhal yg lazat berkrim dan sos cili kimball terbaik dari ladang dihidangkan bersama segelas air milo panas, menjadikan anda sihat dan kuat!
makan sambil layan adnan sempit kat tv...
sorang-sorang kat rumah neh sebab housemate lain sume kerja sampai ke malam...hukkk

sehingge post ini ditulis, itu jelah aktiviti hari raya aku...

3 Soalan 1 Penampar...

Jawapan dengan Tamparan...

Pemuda : Anda siapa Dan apakah bisa menjawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan saya?

Imam : Saya hamba Allah dan dengan izin-Nya saya akan menjawab pertanyaan anda

.
Pemuda : Anda yakin? Sedangkan Profesor dan ramai orang yang pintar tidak mampu

 menjawab pertanyaan saya.

Imam : Saya akan mencuba sejauh kemampuan saya.

Pemuda : Saya ada 3 pertanyaan:-

1.Kalau memang Tuhan itu ada,tunjukan wujud tuhan kepada saya

2.Apakah yang dinamakan takdir

3.Kalau syaitan diciptakan dari api kenapa dimasukan ke neraka yang dibuat dari api,

tentu tidak menyakitkan buat syaitan. Sebab mereka memiliki unsur yang sama

.
Apakah Tuhan tidak pernah berfikir sejauhitu?

Tiba-tiba Imam tersebut menampar pipi pemuda tadi dengan keras.

Pemuda : Kenapa anda marah kepada saya? (sambil menahan sakit)

Imam : Saya tidak marah. Tamparan itu adalah jawaban saya atas 3 pertanyaan yang anda 

ajukan kepada saya.

Pemuda : Saya sungguh-sungguh tidak mengerti.

Imam : Bagaimana rasanya tamparan saya?

Pemuda : Tentu saja saya merasakan sakit.

Imam : Jadi anda percaya bahawa sakit itu ada?

Pemuda : Ya!

Imam : Tunjukan pada saya wujud sakit itu!

Pemuda : Saya tidak boleh.

Imam : Itulah jawaban pertanyaan pertama. Kita semua merasakan kewujudan Tuhan tanpa

 mampu melihat wujudnya

.
Imam : Apakah tadi malam anda bermimpi akan ditampar oleh saya?

Pemuda : Tidak.

Imam : Apakah pernah terfikir oleh anda akan menerima tamparan dari saya hari ini?

Pemuda : Tidak

.

Imam : Itulah yang dinamakan takdir

.
Imam : Terbuat dari apa tangan yang saya gunakan untuk menampar anda?

Pemuda : Kulit.

Imam : Terbuat dari apa pipi anda?

Pemuda : Kulit.

Imam : Bagaimana rasanya tamparan saya?

Pemuda : Sakit.

Imam : Walaupun syaitan dijadikan dari api dan neraka juga terbuat dari api, jika

Tuhan menghendaki maka neraka akan menjadi tempat yang menyakitkan untuk
syaitan...

p/s: got this from facebook..i like this story~some things does not need too much 

bombastic  explanation..a simple one will simply do...especially for those who is 

narrow minded enough to have to ask the question at the first place